Forgiveness, Part 1

Anne Frank once said, .."I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." I never thought that way. I always thought people were evil and it's probably because of the stuff I have had people do to me. I will give two examples.

When I was about to turn 16 I had planned a party for myself (to say the least it didn't pan out - no surprise there - I can't plan anything) and had invited people I considered friends. Well one of those so called "friends" called me to tell me she couldn't make it to the party and here's the reason she gave. Her and her family had to go pick walnuts. I kid you not...that is what she told me. At that time I didn't think about, but as I got older and even more so at this point in my life, it plays an important part in my life on how I view people.

The second incident and this what did it for me with regards to friends or rather, why I choose not to have friends or rather, socialize. I am very anti social.

I was going to a state college back in 1995. I was living in a dorm with six other females. I shared a room with this broad named Tina Lopez who went by the name of Tiny. Next to us was a room that had two people. Up stairs there were three rooms - two housed two people while there was a single room. I wanted a single room but sharing made things a little cheaper.

Across the from us, was a number of other dorms. In one particular dorm there was this broad named May. She was a drinker and a drug user. Five of the six people in my dorm really liked her and wanted her to move in the following semester. I was strongly against this because I know that drug users are theives...case and point my former next door neighbor in my old house was a drug user and broke into our house and stole my electric guitar and my mom's antique jewlry. But I digress. Like I was saying I opposed this strongly.

The semester prior to me arriving they had an incident that took place in which the accused was never punished. Because of this, everybody was in an uproar and it was the talk of the school. The broads I was rooming with new this and thus decided they would get me out of the dorm by accusing me of something and that was threatening to kill them.

How that happened: In the living we would all get together and play Uno (I actually hate the game now but will play it) and at that time Metallica's Enter Sandman came out. In that song, there's the line "Sleep with one eye open." When a card was drawn on me to choose 7 cards or something like that I would sing...SING sleep with one eye open. These broads took that and ran with it. They drew up a letter and signed it saying I had threatened each of them. I was brought before the dean of students for questioning. I was removed from the dorm by security. I was humiliated like nothing you can imagine. I had people that were willing and did speak to the dean of students on my behalf, but because they weren't in the room when everything took place, they were considered witnesses. It was five against one. Well, I was kicked out of the school and only allowed to return on certain conditions. Those conditions will never be met because it will be a cold day in hell before I step foot on that campus again.

When I returned home (Solano county) I didn't talk to anyone for almost five months. Literally didn't talk to anyone. Also, since that incident, I swore I would never put myself in the position to let something like that happen to me again. And it hasn't.

It hasnt' been until recently that I have tried to open myself to new people and perhaps make some friends to hang with. I tried that once last year only to have one of them try to get me in trouble at work. I let it go, but never forgave that person nor her crew and thus I have not hung with them since nor do I make an attempt to visit them.

I have also had another incident happen to me a few weeks ago that has caused me to retreat to my old self.