Forum Etiquette: A Guide to Posting in Online Message Boards

When posting in online forums, adhere to the following guidelines to ensure you get the most out of your online experience.

Rule 1: Argue! This is absolutely the most important rule of posting in any online forum and many of the other rules are based upon it. Be sure to start an argument whenever the opportunity presents itself. In fact, even if the opportunity doesn't present itself, argue anyway. After all, people don't come to message boards to share ideas, have polite discussions, or learn new things; they're there stricly for the non-stop arguments so be sure not to disappoint. Also, be sure not to back up your arguments with any facts.

Rule 2: Flame other posters. This rule goes hand in hand with rule 1. You're already starting an argument, so why not insult someone while you're at it? Don't just disagree with the previous poster's post; make it personal! If member John293 creates a topic about why he feels the war in Iraq was uneccesary, you should respond with "No John, the war was right and you're stupid for thinking otherwise." Better yet, throw in an insult that has nothing to do with the topic of discussion and make sure it's an insult about their appearance or something in their personal life you couldn't possibly know anything about. Take the previous example about user John293's anti-war post. An even better response would be "No john, the war was right and you're ugly."

Rule 3: Never, under any circumstances,use proper spelling and grammar. Doing so will only confirm that you are a nerd. Instead you should shorten three letter words such as you and are and express them as single letters like U and R. Be sure to substitute as many letters in a word as you can with numbers. Spell these words wrong as well. For example, instead of typing "I Like to eat," you should type "i L31k 2 34t." Also remember to never ever begin a sentence with a capital letter. This will only make your sentences easier to understand and in turn easier for whomever you're currently arguing with to pick apart and respond to your posts.

Rule 4: Lie. Fabricate stories about girlfriends or boyfriends you don't have, experiences you've never had, and sports you don't play. After all, who's going to check? This can be especially useful in arguments. Should someone attempt to call you on an argument which has no factual basis (none of your arguments should anyway), simply lie and tell them you graduated from an Ivy League college at the top of your class which landed you a 6-figure job and are therefore not only much smarter but also a more successful person in general than whoever it is you're currently locked in battle with.

Rule 5: When arguing, be sure to point out every minor spelling and/or grammatical mistake in your opponent's previous post. This will distract the other users reading your argumentative and insulting posts (yes, you have an audience and everyone is interested in your petty fight) from the fact that your posts have no actual substance or point to them. Should your opponent's post contain no errors, call him or her a nerd for taking the time to write out such a perfect posts. If your opponent points out the errors in your own post (and there should be plenty of them), tell him or her that you weren't really paying attention when you wrote it and imply that he or she has no life for scrutinizing over it.

Rule 6: On most forums there is a search feature. This feature is just there for show; make sure never to use it. Instead, what you should do is make a new thread about your topic. If it's already been posted numerous times before, great! Now there's one more and every good poster knows you can never have enough duplicate threads. If for some reason no one responds to your thread, don't search for answers or information elsewhere. Simply make another thread containing the exact same post you posted in your first thread. This time around you're sure to get a response from someone and as an added bonus they may complain about the duplicate threads...another chance to argue!

Rule 7: Never back down or give up on an argument. No matter how clear it is that you're in the wrong and have lost, keep arguing and flaming. When everyone realizes your argument has nothing to support it, simply tell them that they just don't get it. If the other members politely ask that you remain on topic and cease the arguing, insult them and drag them into your argument. Don't ever stop until the board's administrator closes the thread and issues you a warning and/or ban.

Rule 8: When your username is banned from the forum (and if you've followed the previous rules correctly it will be) register under an alternate username and continue to troll about the forums. Mock the admin who banned your other username while you're at it. When you're banned again, simply repeat the process all over again.

If you follow this guide correctly you should earn yourself the coveted "IP ban," the ultimate goal of all good members of a message board, in no time!