Forum Etiquette Part 2: Advanced Posting Techniques

Now that you've read my first guide to online forum and message board etiquette and have probably gotten yourself banned from several different forums (They were all just jealous of your obvious superiority), you're ready to move on to more advanced posting tips. Adhere to the following guidelines and you'll be a favorite on every online forum you visit in no time!

Rule 1: Never read someone's entire post. Instead, skim through posts, reading only a few lines. Then take the one or two comments you've actually read way out of context and harp on about them. If someone notices that your response took the original post out of context and calls you out on it, say something about how you have a life and don't have time to scrutinously read each and every line. Then vanish from the thread forever.

Rule 2: When replying to threads in political forums or a political discussions section of a variety forum, condescendingly state your opinions as if were facts while minimizing the use of any actual facts to back them up. If you think the Unites States has a bad foreign policy, say so without giving any reasons why. Also, if you can think of any that apply (hell, even if they don't apply), throw in as many pseudo-intellectual clichés and phrases like "blood for oil" as possible.

Rule 3: Format all of your posts in a ridiculously hard to read manner. First off, be sure your font matches the background color of the web page. Does the forum you're on have a blue background? Then use a blue font of course. Speaking of fonts, if the forum gives you a choice, be sure to use the most curvaceous, difficult to read font available. Don't forget to set the character size as small as possible while you're at it. Lastly, always orient the text in your posts to the right or center and insert line breaks wherever would make the least possible sense.

Rule 4: Make your signature as long as possible. I'm not talking about 10 or 20 lines; if the forum has no limit on signature size make sure yours takes up no less than 100 lines. Bear in mind you don't actually have to fill these 100 lines with anything meaningful. In fact, it can just be empty space if you like. Remember, online forums have unlimited bandwidth so feel free to upload as many huge pictures into your signature as well. If other users can scroll past your post with just a few rotations of their mouse's scroll wheel, your signature isn't nearly long enough.

Rule 5: Create threads and ask questions or request advice in them. When someone responds, lash out at that person. Don't accept anyone's answers and make sure you question (as rudely as possible) the validity of any answers given. After all, just because you asked a question doesn't give anyone the right to respond with an answer that isn't exactly what you wanted to hear. If someone points out the fact that the people you lashed out at were only trying to help you, play the victim and ask why that person didn't answer your question.