Foundations of a Stable and Lasting Marriage

In today's day world the divorce statistics are alarming. Most states in America are under the "no contest" law, which basically means you can
divorce for any reason or even without one.

So why do people enter into a marriage in the first place? The answer is usually "love". While there is no clear cut definition of love there
are many theories on it. Most agree that it is an emotion or a connection to something or someone.

In my college psychology book the second edition "Lifespan and Development" written by Helen Bee, Dr.Robert Sternberg says there are three key components to love. The first is Intimacy. Intimacy promotes feelings of closeness and connectedness. Next is Passion. Passion includes feelings of intense longing for union with the other person. Last, but not least, is Commitment. Commitment to one another.

He states that when all three of these components are combined in all possible ways you get eight sub-varieties of love:

First is non-love. This is where none of the three components are present. This is usually most casual relationships or acquaintanceships.

Second is Liking. This is intimacy without passion or commitment. Most friendships are in this category.

Third is Infatuation. This is passion without intimacy or commitment.

Fourth is Empty Love. This is commitment without passion or intimacy. Stagnant long-term marriages fall into this category.

Fifth is Romantic Love. This is Passion and intimacy without commitment. This usually is one of the early stages of a relationship.

Sixth is Compassionate Love. This is intimacy and commitment without passion. This are relationships with parents or other kin or long-term friendships.

Seventh is Fatuous love. This is passion and commitment without intimacy. This describes whirlwind courtships.

Eighth is Consummate love. This is where all three components are present.

Now taking my research just a little further I looked for what would make a lasting marriage. My parents have been married for 39 years now so I , of course, went to my mother. Her advice was to "agree to disagree".

When I researched this exact statement I found out she was right.

According to Dr John Gottman (second edition "Lifespan and Development" written by Helen Bee) couples who do agree to disagree are one of the few that do stay together. The reasoning behind it is that each person is their own unique self. Each has their own thoughts and ideas. Listening to each other and actually hearing the other person's point of view on a subject matter is the key. Couples that last do argue also. Only they argue constructively and not in a hostile manner. He also states that affection and laughter are key elements to a lasting relationship.

Learning how to communicate with each other is brought up in every piece I found on lasting marriages.

One of my favorite books is "Love for a Lifetime" by Dr. James Dobson. He states that "Intimacy is the mystical bond of friendship, commitment and understanding" also, "The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed...and half closed thereafter". In one of the last chapters he says "guard your relationship against erosion as though you were defending your very lives". This statement really caught my eye. What he means by this is every relationship goes through changes. Work at keeping it alive. Some advice he gives is to date each other. Make time for one another. Even if it is just cuddling while watching a movie together at home with the family. It is time spent together.

From my own observation of my parents the biggest thing is to never stop. I watched them conquer many many things together in this life. One thing they had to rely on to get through it was each other. My father never has left the house without kissing my mother goodbye. They tell each other where they are going. They have respect for one another. When we were kids and had to go anywhere with my parents, my father would always kiss my mom at every stop light. Back then it was embarrassing, now it is cute. The memory of that stays with me. I watched them laugh and cry with each other as well as argue.

I have the tools I need to keep my new marriage together now. I have the strength and determination to see it through. I hope everyone reading this will just stop for a moment and think about their life. If you work hard at a job and you are committed to it , you reap the rewards when you retire. If you work hard and are committed to your marriage, you reap the rewards your entire life. You not only have someone there that knows you inside and out, they are there with you as you grow old. There will always be someone there holding your hand and smiling with you, laughing with you and conquering every obstacle you encounter.