Four Key Things I've Learned About Recovery from Incest and Sexual Abuse

After working my way through years of recovery from incest and childhood sexual abuse, and after working for several years in group settings with other sexual abuse survivors, there are four key things I have learned along the way that could be helpful to other survivors.

1) Facing the Truth

One of the most painful and difficult things to face is the truth about our abuse. For some, it will mean accepting, maybe for the first time, that they have been abused. For others, it will mean facing the truth that we did not remember everything that happened to us. Because so many abuse victims dissociate, those memories are shoved into the farthest recesses of our minds. It takes a lot of hard work to recover those memories and even more hard work and prayer to accept those memories as the truth of our lives.

2) Thoughts Become Barriers

As we grow up in abusive homes, our thinking becomes severely distorted. It is easy to understand how this happens, but it is not easy to untangle all the lies that we have been taught by our abusers, by the abuse itself and by our own twisted thinking that allowed us to survive in a very inhumane environment. These thoughts that are based upon lies become our truth. Once we understand that these lies are strongholds that need to be pulled down, we reach a new level of freedom.

3) Freedom Comes in Many Forms

Freedom comes in so many forms it is sometimes amazing to watch a survivor who sees the truth for the first time. There is such a feeling of joy and lightheartedness that overtakes the survivor.

Freedom to trust another human being is just huge. When we are able to allow others to come alongside us in this journey, we open the door to even more freedom. Allowing safe people into our world is so important. It is especially good to be in both therapy and a support group for a while so we can practice relating to people who have our best interest at heart. This is not an easy step and there will be a lot of "push-pull" along the way. Most people who are trained to work with survivors know this and are really good about staying in relationship through this period of upheaval.

Freedom to trust also involves being able to talk to other people about the abuse. This includes talking to your pastor or your family physician or dentist if you suffer from anxieties in these areas. Letting your pastor and medical professionals know about your background is vital to the care that you need. If, as was my case, some of your abuse was done at the hands of a pastor and a medical professional, it will take a little longer to trust, but it can happen once you tell yourself the truth that "not all pastors or medical professionals are abusers". Had I continued to believe that lie, it would have been detrimental to my own health and well-being.

Freedom to form good relationships is also key to recovery. If you attend church or belong to any kind of ladies group, bowling league, or even participating in your child's school programs, you will begin to open yourself up to relating well with new people. Friendships are so good for everyone, but especially for survivors. We long for friendship and at the same time, we run from it out of fear of what might happen. Again, telling ourselves the truth will help. It is true that when we open ourselves up to new people, there might be some who would be unkind and maybe even some who are abusive. Use your good judgment to know when someone is not a safe person for you. But, on the other hand, when we open ourselves up to others, most of the time, we gain new friends who are caring, compassionate and enjoy our company. Trust your judgment and practice making new friends!

4) The Journey is Long

Another thing I learned along the way is that the journey is a very long one. Recovery is a process; it takes a lot of time, patience and commitment. Most people who have never suffered from abuse cannot comprehend how long it takes to recover. It generally takes a lifetime, but there is so much improvement over the months and years of hard work, that we begin to move into great freedom early in our recovery process. Every plateau we reach is a time for celebration! Do something kind for yourself or celebrate the occasion with your spouse by going out to dinner together. This is a great way to celebrate your accomplishments and to include your spouse in the process of recovery as well.