Four Negative Behavior Patterns in Marriage

All marriage partners have arguments from time to time and these may cause them to fall into negative behavior patterns. John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman describe some of these behaviors in their book, 10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage (Crown Publishers, 2006). They also give advice on how to turn negative reactions and conflict into positive confrontations.

Criticism Within a Marriage

When people marry and live together, it is easy for faults to be magnified and tempers to rise. Small irritations develop into big issues and husbands and wives start to accuse and criticize each other. Critical statements often begin with, "You always," or "You never."

Criticism can be overcome by approaching problems in a gentle non-accusing manner. This includes the use of the phrase, "I feel sad when," rather than, "You always." When criticism is changed into constructive conversation, the couple often find their relationship improves greatly.

Defensiveness in Marital Conflict

Some marriage partners are unable to accept correction and react by being defensive. This is seen when they refuse to take responsibility for mistakes and defend themselves by making excuses. They may also resort to whining and complaining about their spouse's behavior.

Defensiveness can be overcome by making a decision to react in a mature manner and respond positively to correction. It builds strength into a marriage when partners are willing to work on problem areas and to do so without defending their mistakes.

Contempt Within a Marriage

Contempt is a nasty way of putting a spouse down. It is a combination of hostility, disgust, sarcasm, mockery and belligerence. Marriage partners often show contempt when their spouse does something inappropriate or fails repeatedly in a certain area.

Contempt is a nasty habit that can be overcome by stopping to think before acting and speaking. When grace is extended to the offending partner, it often brings a more positive result and a subsequent change in behavior.

Stonewalling a Marriage Partner Creates Conflict

This is also known as the silent treatment. One spouse withdraws from a conversation and puts on a blank face and stifles emotion. He or she may persist with this behavior for several days and it is damaging to a marriage.

Marriages are built on communication and stonewalling is counterproductive to this. Spouses who are willing to listen to what each other is really saying will be less inclined to resort to the silent treatment.

All marriages experience difficulties and conflict but when couples are aware of potential problems, it is easier to deal with them. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are common conflicts but it is possible to overcome them all with effort and understanding.