Four Steps to Surviving Critism for Writers

We are writers, criticism is something we expect. The nasty little side-effect of our craft we try to garner the gleam of truth from, and move on. What happens when the criticism is unwarranted though, or worse, when it comes from someone we love?

At some point or the other, it happens. We reach a milestone moment in our writing careers and our family naysayer comes along to tug the triumphant wind out of the sail. Maybe it's due to jealousy, maybe a lack of understanding, or maybe they are just miserable "I suck the fun out of everything" people by nature. But, boy o' boy it can give you a kick in the proverbial pants.

Be it a sibling, husband, mother, agent, friend, or the woman we work side by side with every day; no matter what, it hurts. The trick is to not drown in the attack to our self-esteem, but to learn how to best deal with it so that it doesn't sabotage your writing or your continued pursuit of your dreams.

Too many times, we allow these people who are close to tear us down. Now, I'm not speaking of constructive critical feedback. I have an amazing friend who very candidly tells me what she does and does not like about my writing, but she provides commentary in a friendly and caring way. A way that still establishes my worth as a writer, yet allows me another point of view and often very beneficial advice.

I'm speaking of the people who revel in tearing your talent and success apart. Like my close relative who informed me she was embarrassed to tell her friends that I write Romance and that I "should write something real instead." This is a person I trusted to embrace my success and to celebrate with me the joy of a dream fulfilled. Instead, she chose to be less than cordial. She's not the only one. Here and there, I've continued to encounter unwarranted criticism or judgment from mainly well-intentioned, but often misguided, loved ones.

After briefly wallowing in the muck of self-doubt brought upon by these naysayers, I finally came to my senses and devised a plan of attack for the times I may need to reclaim my writer equilibrium.

Step One: List Your Accomplishments. One day I sat down with a pen and piece of paper and wrote down a list of all the things I did to further my writing career that year, big and small: everything from finding a fabulous critique partner to designing a website, down to buying stamps and envelopes for mailing submissions out. When I finished, I had pages worth of sacrifices, friendships, business decisions, and rewards. What I gained was the full appreciation and understanding of just how far I had traveled and the indisputable discovery that I am indeed, a dedicated writer.

Step Two:Embrace your Support Circle. A few days later, I made another list, this time of all the people who did their hardest to tear me down and diminish my worth as a writer. Then, I made a list of all the people who have graciously offered their support and kindness along my journey. Needless to say, in the end, I had only five names on the naysayer list and well over a hundred names on the support list. It became crystal clear: I allowed a handful of people to negate the positive energy stemming from a massive and caring support base.

Taking this action a step further, over the next few weeks, I made a point to also say "thank you" to those who have been supportive to my writing career in some form or the other-via email, cards, phone calls, or whatever form of communication was most appropriate.

Step Three:Write a Contract. After creating and reviewing my lists, I wrote a pact with myself that I have continued to honor. In the beginning part of the pact, I gave myself permission to say no to the naysayers, to minimize my time with them and to not feed them any more energy or effort than necessary. Now, I let some of their calls go to the answering machine and choose to decline invitations if I'm struggling with their negative attitudes. With the worst naysayers, I politely asked them not to discuss my writing with me if they could not be supportive of it. Regardless if they were relatives or life-long friends, their efforts to degrade are detrimental to my writing.

In end section of the pact, I agreed to believe my writing abilities are a gift and they are of importance. Ultimately, if I do not believe in myself and my writing, then I am not being true to either.

Step Four: Design a Muse Box. Lastly, to ensure that I would continue to follow my pact and to remember all I had to be grateful for, I made a muse box for my desk, in which I store my lists of gratitude. Whenever I'm feeling blue about my career or a critical person brings me down, I take the lists out and review them.

In the past few months I've chosen to add quality rejection letters, copies of acceptance letters, and notes from a fan or a wonderful friend. I find that reading through these reminders also brings me a great deal of joy, validation, and a renewed appreciation of my chosen career.

Before I knew it, I'd laid out a clear four-step plan to survive criticism from those I love. I've also found it helps me survive the down moments from rejections or the less-than-I-hoped-for review blues. These steps are easy to complete with tools you already have on hand and the reward of positive energy will be well worth the small investment of time.

On the next occasion you feel the sting of undue criticism, try any one of these four simple exercises to sooth your esteem and re-energize your writing. You'll be glad you did!