Four Tips for the Parent of a Terminal or Handicapped Child

Many parents when asked whether they want a boy or a girl will say, "Oh, it doesn't really matter, I just want them to be healthy." That's not always the way things turn out.

So, you didn't get the perfect child. Maybe it's a physical ailment, disease, birth defect, or a mental incapacity. These could range from minor to terminal, short to long term. Regardless, of what it is, it can be a life changing event and hard to deal with. How do you deal with it when one of the happiest events of your life turns into a nightmare?

Not claiming to be an expert, but rather experienced, I would like to share with you four of the most important coping mechanisms you can implement yourself or share with a family in need.

1. Honesty - be honest with yourself, your family and friends, and most of all your children. Don't try to hide, protect, or sugar coat the facts. Our children intuitively trust us from the beginning. Regardless of the age, it is critical that we communicate to them in the most honest way possible for their developmental level, the truth of what is wrong with them or happening to them.

2. Support - Don't try to be the Lone Ranger or Lone Wolf. Build a support network including family, friends, and your higher power. Having someone physically present or otherwise at hand to yell to, scream at, cuss at, cry with, etc. will be a critical necessity at points along this journey. There are a multitude of agencies that can help in varying ways, but you have to search for them. Here's a couple to get your started:

a. The Jason Program in Portland, Maine helps parents and children at all stages of dealing with a child's illness.

b. The cystic fibrosis foundation offers a multitude of services and support features and strives constantly to be on the forefront of discoveries.

Don't give up. Whatever the illness, there is help to be found. Search, ask, listen, but be proactive. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, your child, and your family.

3. Be active - get involved. Don't be afraid. Get out there and help fight back. Whether you are a friend/counselor to another mom, dad, or family or you send coloring pages to help a child smile everything you give will help you and help others as well.

4. Take care of you - Simple concept? Yes, it is. Easy? Not usually. You must care for you though. You are only as good for your child as you are good. Don't fret, worry, and exhaust yourself. Yes, you will initially have to go through agony but then recovery comes and you will learn and grow. Take care of yourself from the beginning. Yoga, meditation, any exercise, healthy eating, and rest are all critical components of a happier healthier you and you will be much better for your child.

Whatever you do, remember you are blessed. A special gift has been put in your care for a time. This gift may not be in the form you understand but will bless your life and those of others in some way. Heed the advice I give you to: be honest, seek support, be active, and take care of yourself and you will find your life is greatly enriched. You will be able to cope with the mental and physical stressors you may face, but most importantly you will be able to make your child's life a little bit more special because you were able to participate in it with them.

Armchair advice: Death Bereavement. Caring for Terminally Ill Children with Cancer & Other Diseases. http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/bereavement/care/children.asp

Meg Haskell. Banghordailynews.com. Hard times hit agency for terminally ill children.

Cystic fibrosis foundation. We unite to treat and cure cystic fibrosis. One page at a time. Dedicated to sending comfort to sick and terminally ill children.

Your Sewickley: a service of the Sewickley Herald. National Yoga Month: Yoga for Parents and Toddlers

Texas Women's University counseling center. Strategies for coping with stress.