Four Ways to Know You've Found Mr or Ms WRONG

People of all ages search for Mr. or Ms. Right. Although no one is perfect, many individuals believe they have found the best partner for themselves. And they should be commended because that's hard to do. Here's what may be easier: spotting Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

Experts on couples warn about four signs that you may be with the wrong person:

1. The person withdraws from you when there's a problem. It's natural to have differences between people in a relationship. In fact, it's normal. But if your partner retreats into the bedroom when you're in a heated discussion, slams the door on the way out or always says, "nothing," when you ask what's wrong, something is wrong--and it could very well be your relationship with this person.

2. There's a lot of criticizing going on between the two of you. It can go both ways. Maybe you notice yourself finding fault with most of the things your partner does in daily life-the toothpaste cap is one, of course. So is the toilet seat. But there are other things that bother you and you can't stop jumping on those things-they way he doesn't pay bills on time; the way she forgets to call when she's going to be late, the way she's late for everything. Again, you may find yourself on the receiving end of criticism. She complains about how few resumes you send out when you're looking for work. "How are you ever going to get a job? Do you even want a job?" Or he complains about how messy the place is when he comes home. All of us would like our partners to improve in some way, but when there is too much criticism, it just doesn't feel good for either person.

3. You often find yourself becoming defensive. "Don't you remember how to use the remote? How many times have I told you?" asks your partner. Being defensive is related to receiving too much criticism. But there's another aspect of defensiveness. Your partner may have actually done a few things wrong, and then overreacts every time you bring up the subject. You may ask, "What happened to that $20 I had on the table?" And he or she might respond, "Well, I didn't go off and gamble with it if that's what you mean." This is being defensive instead of just answering a simple question.

4. The worst sign that you may be off to a bad start in a relationship is when you feel contempt for the other person. This means that in certain situations the very sight of him or the sound of her voice irritates you to such an extent that you feel hatred. You may see your partner in a bathing suit on the beach and think, "Ugh. Look how fat he is. I can't stand to touch him." This kind of thing is contempt.

The most amazing thing of all, according to psychologist John Gottman, is that couples who were asked when they noticed the problems reported that they knew it on the first date or within the first week of the relationship! So this begs the question: If they knew something was wrong right away, why did they continue? The answer to that is another article, perhaps. But for right now, if you're starting a relationship and you notice an excess of withdrawal, criticism, defensiveness or the worst--contempt, get out of the relationship now.

Source:

Warning: Moving in Together Could Be Hazardous to Your Relationship by Martha Beck from O, The Oprah Magazine, June, 2005.