Four of the Worst Movie Remakes

Okay, so I'm a producer in Hollywood, with no fresh ideas or decent writers, but I need to come up with something quick, because I am starting to get left off of the "A list party" invitation lists. Hey, I know! Why bother myself with something as bothersome as imagination and inventiveness, when I can just do a remake of an old movie? Just toss some extra expletives and gratuitous nude scenes in the script to make it seem "hipper" and audiences will eat it up, right?

At least, this is what I assume goes through the mind of someone who decides to do an updated remake of a movie classic, which, after it has been re-tooled in a never version, fails miserably in even coming close to the original.

Some typical examples are:

Poseidon (2006)

The Poseidon Adventure was a 1972 disaster movie that starred Gene Hackman and a host of other well-known actors in supporting and cameo roles. Somebody had the bright idea to remake it in 2006 as Poseidon, with a cast that includes Kurt Russell as the pivotal protaganist and other actors in smaller roles.

With the exception of Russell and Richard Dreyfuss, there is nobody else of note to really get too excited about here. I mean, at least in The Poseidon Adventure, the cast included five Oscar winners (Hackman, Shelley Winters,Red Buttons, Ernest Borgnine and Jack Albertson) and actors like Roddy McDowell, Arthur O'Connell and Stella Stevens, who had established some degree of stature in films. The newer film is comprised of mostly a slew of forgettable B-movie actors.

Here is the plot in a nutsell: Passenger celebrating the new year on The Poseidon, a cruise ship, are victims of a tragic midnight accident, precipitated by a huge, surprise wave that turns the ship upside down, killing the majority of its passengers and crew. The remainder of the movie revolves around the few who are left fighting to survive. While the special effects are far more impressive than in the original film, little else is there to match its success. There's nothing here that makes you get to care about the characters or even care if they get out of the pickle they're in. While Russell does well as the hero, the type of role he does best, even he can't lift this stinker out of the water.

If you haven't ever seen the movie that this one is based upon, i recommend that you rent a copy of The Poseidon Adventure from someplace and get to see a far more gripping, intriguing picture.

Lost Horizon (1973)

In 1937, Frank Capra made a movie entitled Lost Horizon, based on James Hilton's novel about a Utopian society built upon noble principles, peace and spiritual harmony that is discovered by a European diplomat and other survivors of a plane crash. They are taken there by mysterious rescuers, traveling a treacherous route through snowy mountain passes in the Himalayas to find a perfect world called "Shangi-La". Although it was not particularly liked by the critics at the time, it was at least an ambitious effort on the part of Capra. Ronald Colman eloquently plays the role of weary diplomat John Conway and the rest of the cast includes the wonderful character actors Thomas Mitchell, Edward Everett Horton, H.B. Warner and Sam Jaffee. Jane Wyman, long before her Father Knows Best days, stars as the romantic interest of Colman's character. It isn't the typical lighthearted vehicle Capra fans are used to, but it is beautifully made and somewhat wistful in its expressed hope that there is a real "Shangi-La" to be found somewhere. This is a Capra classic that shouldn't have been messed with.

A little voice, however, whispered in somebody's ear at Columbia Pictures in 1973 and told him that it was a fabulous idea to remake this film and turn it into a big musical. By the 1970's, musicals had long since lost popularity and, if they hadn't already, this version of Lost Horizon would surely have put the nail in the coffin.

Call me picky, but I have always thought that people who star in musicals ought to possess some degree of singing ability, but there was apparently no such pre-requisite for the people who cast the roles in this film. The cast includes Peter Finch, Liv Ullmann, Sally Kellerman, George Kennedy, Michael York and Bobby Van. Van is the only one in the bunch who can really sing and dance and he seems woefully out of place because of it. Charles Boyer and Sir John Guilgud were cast in the film, also, apparently to lend some degree of dignity to it.

The songs for Lost Horizon seem mismatched with the time period the story is supposed to be in. The melodies by Burt Bacharach are not all that bad, but what was Hal David thinking with the lyrics?

Finch lacks the charm and nobility of Colman and the connection between his character and Ullmann's seems forced and contrived. There is nobody you really like here and, after awhile, you don't care who stays or leaves or comes back to Shangri-La, as long as it results in this film coming to an end.

A Star Is Born (1976)

Barbra Streisand is a legend. There is no one on Earth who will deny that and it is probably the reason her career survived this movie remake of A Star Is Born.

This is the third time this film has been made. First was the Janet Gaynor/ Frederic March version in which Gaynor portrays Hollywood hopeful Esther Blodgett who comes to Tinseltown in hopes of becoming a star and March portrays the alcoholic movie actor Norman Maine, whose fame is waning, even as hers is ascending. At the end, he walks into the ocean in what can only be assumed a suicide in order to keep from ruining his wife's life and career. The second and, by far, best version of A Star Is Born starred the great Judy Garland and James Mason in the main roles, this time with Esther-Blodgett-turned-Vickie-Lester as a musical actress with an incredible voice. The plot was basically the same as the original, but with much better writing and acting, plus that glorious Garland talent. To add to its greatness is the fact that it was directed by George Cukor.

I assume that it is the second A Star Is Born that Streisand was attempting to do a more updated version of.

In that the main characters are an amazing singer and the man she loves is an alcoholic bent on self-destruction, it is similar. This time, though, the focus switches from the movie industry to the music business. "Babs" plays Esther Hoffman, a singer in a L.A. nightclub who is performing with her two black background singers, thereby justifying the group's name of "The Oreos". (Can you see me wincing)? When rock star John Norman Howard, played by Kris Kristofferson, happens to go into the club and hears her set, he is impressed and offers to help her career move forward.

Of course, they fall in love and get married and, as she becomes a big star (though, in this version, she doesn't change her professional name), her alcoholic, drugged-out hubby's career is dying on the vine. She tries to help him overcome his demons, but to no avail. In the end, a drunk John Norman gets into his sports car, and drives off. Even though we don't see what happens, we know that he has taken a "spin into eternity", which gives Ms. Streisand the chance to do the bravely-singing-through-her-tears thing in the final concert scene.

Yes, I did like most of the songs and even went out and bought the soundtrack album, but, as a remake, A Star IsBorn fails to capture the same poignancy of the relationship between the two main characters that the other two versions did. The script is very weak and everything just seems to be an excuse to segue into a musical number. Kristofferson is attractive in a hewn, outdoorsy kind of way, but he is no match for Streisand vocally or acting-wise. A lot of his lines seem to be mumbled and one can't help but suspect she picked him for this part, precisely because there was absolutely no way he could possibly outshine her.

I am a devoted fan of Barbra Streisand, but this movie is not one of the reasons why.

The Pink Panther (2006)

There are some actors who will forever be identified with a particular role and the late Peter Sellers was one such individual. As the inept Inspector Clouseau, he was cluelessly unaware that he was a complete idiot, which is why the Pink Panther films were so hilarious. With all the sequels to the original, it's puzzling why anyone thought making a remake of it was something the world needed.

The thing that makes Steve Martin as Clouseau not work well is that he appears to be trying too hard to be funny. His shtick is obvious, whereas Sellers' gift was that he presented Clouseau as a fool who believed that everything he did was perfectly competent. The frustrated Chief Inspector Dreyfun is played by Kevin Kline, but he is nowhere close to the performance of Herbert Lom, who expertly conveyed the torment of this character in the earlier Pink Panther films.

Here, the plot, close to that of the original first Pink Panther film, centers around the murder of a soccer coach and the theft of the Pink Panther diamond, along with the search for the murderer and thief. Beyonce Knowles plays the beautiful Xania, one of the suspects, but this was hardly a breakout role for her and she is largely ornamental in this flick.

I don't take away from Martin's talents as a comic actor, but the Clouseau part does not fit him as seamlessly as it did Sellers. All the mechanics- the exaggerated French accent, the pratfalls, etc,- were there, but the end result is that you are pretty much left feeling as though something is missing.