Fourth of July Crafts from a Freakin' Genius

As you probably know by now, I'm a pretty crafty guy. My article last Christmas season in which I treated you to two wonderful fun-to-make "religous" holiday crafts was hailed by Better Homes and Gardens as-and I quote-"The most original holiday craft ideas we've ever seen. This man is a freakin' genius!"

[Editor's note: The author is delusional. The actual quote from Better Homes and Gardens was "The worst holiday crap ideas we've ever seen. This man is a f**king idiot!"]

Pretty impressive, huh?

Well if you've checked the calendar lately, you probably already know that it's summer and you probably also know that everyone's favorite summer holiday will soon be here. Yes, we all love Lughnasadh, which according to Wikipedia is the "Gaelic Holiday traditionally associated with the first of August," proving once again that the Irish look for any excuse-like August 1^st-to get sloppy drunk. But as much fun as the annual Lughnasadh festivities are, let's face it, nobody decks the halls with Lughnasadh decorations. Hell, we already have to deal with shamrocks and leprechauns and green beer and all that other shit every March 17^th.

Luckily, the 4^th of July is also coming up soon and although it's not nearly as much fun as Lughnasadh, it does require a lot of decorating. With that in mind, I thought I'd lend my expertise in the world of crafts and give you instructions on how to build two wonderful decorations that will show your friends and family that if you smoke enough dope, you'll do just about anything you're told.

Arizona Border Patrol

When you think of America, you think of immigrants coming to this great country with hopes of a better life. "Give me your tired, your poor" and all that crap. Unfortunately, many of today's immigrants are illegally crossing our southern borders, mowing our yards, and driving about 30 miles per hour under the speed limit. Enough of that crap! Show your love for America by building a miniature scene that will teach your children the importance of protecting the borders of the land we stole from the Indians and Mexicans.

Materials:

Legos
3 G.I. Joe Dolls
Dora the Explorer Doll
Go Diego Go Doll
Handy Manny Doll
Malibu Barbie Doll
Catsup

Instructions:

Build a big wall with Legos. Smear Dora the Explorer, Go Diego Go, and Handy Manny dolls with catsup and lay them face up in front of the wall. Pose the three G.I. Joes with rifles pointed directly at the lifeless, bloody bodies of Dora, Diego, and Manny.

Bonus Adult Activity:

After the kids go to bed, reward the G.I. Joe dolls for a job well done by posing them in a Malibu Barbie gangbang.

BP Mini Spill

What's more patriotic than an oil spill? After all, wasn't it Paul Revere who warned that the British Petroleum were coming? Now you can make your very own miniature version of the gulf to remind your kids why the hell our forefathers ran away from England in the first place.

Materials:

Fish Bowl
Modeling Clay
Goldfish Crackers
Black Magic Marker
Water
Brown Food Coloring
Black Licorice Sticks

Instructions:

Spread modeling clay along the bottom of the fish bowl forming a mound in the middle. Insert a long black licorice stick into the mound so that it's standing straight up. This will look like the oil spurting upward. For a lovely murky look, fill the bowl with a mixture of water and brown food coloring. Color several goldfish crackers black with a magic marker. Cut up licorice into small pieces to look like tar. Now float the fish and licorice pieces on top of the water.

Bonus Family Activity:

Role playing always adds fun and realism to any family activity. Print the words "President Obama," "Brain-dead FOX News Chick," "BP Executive," "Republican Congressman," and "Democratic Congresswoman" on separate sheets of paper. Have each member of your family randomly select a sheet and tape it to the front of his/her shirt. Now stand in a circle around the fish bowl and point fingers at one another.

Note: The lucky player who selects the role of President Obama gets to kick the BP Executive in the ass.