Four-Woman Track Team Avoids Public Mockery Through Lame Excuses

A four-member track team from central Nevada used a new excuse for its pathetic size last Friday when its spokesman made the statement, "We know we're not big in number, but that's because our team is very selective. Although 85 tried out for the team, only 4 made the cut, because of our ridiculously unattainable standards."

Closer to the truth is the fact that the track team hails from a Nevada high school with just over one hundred students. The team has, in fact, been making excuses for itself to avoid public mockery of its small size since 2004.

"In 2004, we were getting ready to run the sprint medley," stated Samantha Brick, team spokeswoman, "somebody asked us where the rest of our team was because they didn't see anyone else with our uniforms on. I was too embarrassed to tell them we were the only members, so I told them that we had a bad flu epidemic going around school."

Initially, the excuses were believable. But after a few years, the track team started running low on excuses, and runners from other schools were questioning the validity of the claims.

"We started having to 'come down' with illnesses that don't even exist anymore," explained Brick, "you know, like the ones that you've only heard about from playing the Oregon Trail."

Disaster struck last May, when Brick told another competitor at a meet that the team had come down with a bad case of dysentery over the weekend.

"The girl asked me what dysentery was, and I didn't even know," stated Brick, "I knew I should have gone with scarlet fever. That's the one that makes you go blind, right?"

With all four team members graduating next May, the team's future is questionable.

"I guess maybe if we had spent some time trying to recruit other students to go out for track instead of thinking of all these excuses, maybe the team's future wouldn't look so bleak," explained Brick, "but let's be honest, no one is going to go out for track. At least not at this school. I mean, the coach is our 72 year-old janitor, and he never even shows up to practice."

The team's mascot has also been a source of embarrassment for team members.

"I don't have a problem with being the huskies," explained team member Caity Johnson, "but who is the brainiac that decided to write 'Husky Women' on the front of our uniforms? Like it's not embarrassing enough to be on a four person track team."