Fred Durst Missing, Police Unconcerned

After he had not been seen or heard from in ages, the last two members of The Fred Durst Fan Club have filed a missing persons report on the singer (pictured) of Limp Bizkit, a musical group that was inexplicably popular in the late 1990s and early 2000s.

The two fan club members, Dave Robbins and Dale Thompson of Omaha, Nebraska, first became worried when weeks had passed since Durst had appeared on MTV's Total Request Live.

"Back in the glory days, Fred was on TRL like every day," remarked Thompson as he cleaned tables for his job at Waffle House. "After Sisco, Backstreet Boys, Britney and the rest of those lame acts were finished; there'd be Fred in his heavy coat and red baseball cap. Man, he was awesome."

"But then he just disappeared," added Robbins as he filled out a job application at Waffle House before asking Thompson who else he could put down as a reference. "I got so mad I wanted to...well, break stuff. That's when Dale and I made it our mission to find out what happened to him."

What the duo started was the "Come Back to Us Fred" organization. Started in February 2005, the organization grew to over 4,000 members in May 2005 before shrinking back down to 12 members when it was discovered the organization had nothing to do with getting a new Flintstones movie produced. It is believed that 10 of the organization's remaining members are deceased.

After the organization failed to gain momentum and efforts to find Durst's phone number in the yellow pages were unsuccessful, Robbins and Thompson borrowed a friend's minivan and drove to Los Angeles. After visiting Grauman's Chinese Theater, they filed a missing persons report with the LAPD.

Last seen in the awful music video for the awful remake of "Behind Blue Eyes" on the awful soundtrack to the awful 2003 Halle Berry movie Gothika, Durst's disappearance has been met with indifference, laughter and high fives at the Los Angeles Police Department.

"Look, it would be impossible to interrogate everyone who would have liked to see Fred Durst disappear," said Police Chief Wes Borland just before a cooler of Gatorade was splattered over his head.

"But we will do our job nonetheless," Borland continued. "If nothing else, I want to buy whoever did it a drink and shake his hand. But seriously, we'll give this matter the proper attention it deserves."

On that end, the LAPD has set up a hotline for the Durst case. If anyone has any information on Fred Durst's whereabouts, call 1-800-THANKYOUJESUS.