Free Drinks

"Excuse me?"

"Show me your tits and I'll give you a free drink."

The man laughed. "I don't have tits."

"You're a little more flat-chested than I like, but there are two good size man-lumps hiding under that polo, and I want you to whip them out."

The man looked around at the others sitting and standing around the bar, and lifted his shirt, exposing slightly muscular build and the early formations of a beer gut that would surely grow with time.

The girl smiled as she pulled out a Budweiser.

"Do you do this with all your male customers?" He said as he pulled his shirt back down.

"It's just fun for me to see what people would do for one beer. I have control over the actions of every person in this bar."

"You're full of it." The guy laughed as he took a large sip.

"Alright, maybe not just a free beer. But, I'm willing to bet that a free drink of some type is enough to make someone do anything I suggest."

"Not everyone that walks into a bar is an underage college kid. I'd be willing to take that bet, if you think you're serious." The man sat down on one of the stools, feeling the cold droplets of the bottle drip down his fingers.

"Oh, I'm serious. You get people excited enough and they will do something for the pure humiliation of it."

The man licked the liquid off his numb lips.

"What do you mean?"

"Just that when people get excited enough, a drink becomes something more than just a drink; it becomes a prize. It becomes something priceless, simply because it has no monetary price. The simplicity of the conquest makes it all seem so appealing, and that little voice inside your head that says, 'I can do that' overcomes all sense of reason."

The man smiled, contemplating what girl said, as he slowly shook his head.

"I still think you're wrong. People - normal, everyday people - aren't that desperate."

"Define 'normal, everyday people'. The average person may have some intelligence, but no common sense, especially the average person at the bar. They can be an A student or a lawyer at some major law firm, or just some everyday guy looking for drink after a hard day at work. The one thing they have in common is that they all come to the bar looking for something. Maybe it's not even a free drink, but if you make it exciting enough, that free drink really starts to matter, when everything else ceases to matter. Does that make sense?"

"Not really, no," the man smiled. He couldn't help thinking the girl was cute, as she leaned over the bar and fiddled with the matchbooks.

"You'd think people would do it for the fun of it, but they really do it for the entertainment of it. Even if it's humiliating."

She pulled out a beer for the man sitting near him.

"I had two women in here the other day, both maybe in their late 20's, out of college, laughing, drinking, buzzed and happy, and finally snipping off those last buds of stress. I chatted it up with them, and we all got to laughing and joking, and I told them the next round of cocktails was on me if they kissed each other."

The man laughed. "You're the most vulgar bartender I've met, for a guy or a girl."

She smiled slyly at him.

"So I'm guessing they kissed?" The guy said, playing with his coaster.

"Yeah, they did that half-assed little peck on the lips. But I told them that wasn't good enough and I wanted to see some tongue."

"Did they do it?"

"Are you kidding? By the end of the night you'd think they were newlyweds." They both smiled as they looked at each other.

"Alright, now I know you're full of shit."

"No, I'm not. And guys are even easier."

The man crinkled his face in obvious disbelief. "Not any guy with self respect. Girls are the ones who would do anything or anybody for a free drink."

"Mostly because they're confident in using the frailty of men to get what they want."

"Whatever, not all guys would stoop to that level."

"Excuse, but I believe a certain someone just flashed the whole bar about five minutes ago."

The guy laughed. "Yeah, but that was different. It wasn't something I would normally do, but it wasn't immoral or anything."

"Simple actions lead to greater measures. I give everyone their first taste of immorality."

The guy smiled and looked at her strangely. He felt as if she was challenging him, but he wasn't sure how.

"I can't decide if you're a psychology student, a philosopher, or the devil."

She smiled, then went to the other side of the bar to refill a man's drink. When she came back she resumed playing with the matches as if she never left.

"What is it that you found immoral about those women, the fact that they were kissing in a bar for some free drinks and attention, or the fact that they were kissing at all?"

"I'm not a homophobe if that's what you mean. I just know that I would never kiss another man for a free drink, no matter how much attention it got me."

"Never say never. I've gotten men to do plenty of things they never thought they would do."

"Such as?"

"Such as, root for football teams that they hate, just because a free drink falls behind every touchdown they make; Get repeatedly slapped in the face because they get a free drink every time they say something completely insulting to a strange woman; Pee in the corner of the bar; Vomiting contests; Gross-out marathons where nothing is off limits; Drink shot glasses full of spit, vomit, or piss just because a free drink will wash the taste out afterwards. Believe me, you won't find girls doing any of those things."

"No matter what you say, you still won't find me or any other straight guy kissing another man for a free drink."

"Who would you kiss for a free drink?"

The guy leaned back as he took a long sip and looked her up and down.

"You available?"

"Nice try, Romeo," she said as she threw a book of matches at him. She walked to the end of the bar and started chatting with a couple of young blonde girls, most likely still in college. The two girls giggled as the bartender talked low and in incomprehensible tones from where he was sitting. The girls left the bar, still giggling and talking excitedly to one another. The bartender came back to the man and resumed her position.

"Did you kick them out so you could have me all to yourself?"

"Not exactly. I told them I would buy them some shots if they could find two straight guys willing to kiss each other."

"How are you affording all these free drinks?"

"It's just a matter of knowing when to play your hand." She winked at the man sitting next to him, who seemed to be in the middle of deciding whether he was going to pass out or not.

"Well, I think that's the last you'll see of those girls for awhile." The man finished his beer, and reached in his pocket for his wallet. "I'll take another."

"This one's on me," she said, putting the beer down in front of him. "For listening to all my supposed bullshit."

The man put his fingers around the icy, cold beer. "Thanks, and I didn't even have to give you a strip show this time."

She laughed and left him alone, as he took a large sip. Two beers turned to four beers, and four beers to eight. The first two hooked him long enough to want to stay and see the bartender at work. At four he just felt too good to want to leave. At eight, a football game came on the TV and she offered free shots to all those rooting for the Cowboys if they scored.

"This ain't Texas!" someone yelled, but minutes later the man could hear him screaming for the Cowboys to score a touchdown.

Then man found himself taking a shot of tequila with the yelling man as the Cowboys made their second touch down.

Two blonde girls walked through the door and sat down next to the man and his new yelling friend, giggling and talking excitedly to each other. "Can I buy you girls a drink?", the man asked, cradling his tenth beer, and waiting for his next shot to be poured.

The girls laughed at his question, as they looked at each other. The one sitting directly next to him, leaned towards him, "Yeah, can you buy us some shots?"

The man ordered two more tequila shots, and the four of them clinked glasses before they put them down. They all were pleasantly aware of each other as they pretended to watch the game. Yelling guy had stopped yelling altogether and was now blatantly looking both the girls' breasts.

"Let's get some more shots over here." Yelling-guy called to the bartender, as he patted the man on the back.

Before the man knew it, he was throwing back more shots with the girls.

"TOUCHDOWN!" More shots.

The man felt his head being pulled towards the dark pine in front of his sagging face, and then felt himself pulling it back full force. "I'll buy this round," yelling-guy yelled. The girls laughed, hanging over each other, talking nonsense and thinking it was the funniest things they've said in years.

For a moment he was alone. Both girls and yelling-guy disappeared, and feeling abandoned he called to the bartender. "Did you see a loud, balding guy and a couple of slutty blondes around here?"

The bartender smiled, "I think they're in the bathroom, they'll be back."

The man groaned loudly, just as all three of them reappeared.

Yelling-guy looked at the man without saying anything, leaned on the bar to prevent falling over, grabbed his head in his sticky hands, and kissed him on the mouth. Tongue and all.

It took the man two full seconds to realize what was even going on. When Yelling-guy stopped, he laughed full heartedly, and said, "I'm sorry, but those girls told me the bartender would pay my entire tab if I kissed you. I figured, what the hell. I'm so sorry dude!"

The man looked at him, smacked his lips, took a long gulp of beer to wash off the sweat-taste, and said, "Come here, bartender!"

As she came over, he grabbed Yelling-guy and kissed him on the mouth. Tongue and all. "I demand a round of free drinks for everyone for that!"

Everyone cheered for the man as the bartender agreed. She pulled the guy's shirt and brought him closer to her. "For the pure humiliation of it," she said in his ear. "Hang around peer pressure too long and it gets you every time."

The man smiled drunkenly, then smacked his forehead on the bar.