Free Online Psychic Readings! (Courtesy of Psychic to the Stars, Paul Diamond Blow)

I'm no Nostradomous, but occasionally I do like to don my psychic hat, channel the spirits of dead rock stars, and predict the future. It was I who predicted the change of the decade in 2010, it was I who predicted we would have a new president in 2009, it was I who predicted a man would land on the moon in 1969. (Okay, that one was 30 years late, but the prediction was correct.) I have made a name for myself as "psychic to the stars" and have given psychic readings to such celebrities as Ozzy Osbourne (I predicted he would have his own reality TV show and appear as a bumbling oaf), Cher (I predicted she would have no more hit songs), and even Pamela Anderson (I predicted we would have sex -- but she didn't fall for it). And now, here, for the first time ever, I am providing FREE online psychic readings to anyone who dares have one done. Yes, my psychic readings are guaranteed to come true, or you get your money back. And I challenge any other psychic readers to meet my guarantee. I predict that will not happen!

To prepare myself for this free online psychic session I fasted for three days, did 20 push-ups, took a nice hot bath, ate a multi-vitamin, and meditated to the latest Kenny G. album. Once I was relaxed enough I went into a trance by repeating the words "Bula Mahooty Bula" and I channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. (Yes, he really is dead!) However, the spirit of Elvis was too loaded on pills to communicate clearly, so I quickly unchanneled Elvis and went to my "go to" spirits: Joey Ramone, Keith Moon, and Ace Frehley (even though Ace isn't dead yet).

Here's how my FREE online psychic readings work here: you -- the online reader in search of a free psychic reading -- pick a number between one and ten. Take that number, multiply it by five, divide it by six, subtract seven, multiply again by two, and then add 1,200,342 to the result. Since most of my readers here are no good at math, you will then FORGET about that number and pick a NEW number from one to thirteen, and then go to the next page for your free psychic reading based on THAT number. You only get one chance here, so choose your number wisely...

Now that you have picked your number from one to thirteen, here are your free online psychic readings, and remember -- the spirits never lie!

WARNING: this is your last chance to turn back!!!

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Psychic reading for the number 1: You will die of food poisoning after eating a bad bologna sandwich prepared for you by your mother-in-law. I don't think it was intentional. I'm sorry about that. But the sandwich will be a tasty one... you can look forward to that. Quit complaining -- you picked the number one, not me!

Psychic reading for the number 2: your lucky numbers are 18, 42, 67, 83, and 1,249. Do NOT attempt to play these numbers in any lotto games... you will lose. The numbers are lucky, but only when playing Sudoku. Otherwise, the spirits tell me you will live a long and boring life. Congratulations!

Psychic reading for the number 3: Rush to the nearest casino RIGHT NOW, go to the roulette table, and put your entire life savings on the number twelve. You will win a fortune... the spirits never lie. If by some chance this prediction turns out to be false, I promise to refund the price of this free online psychic reading. You have my guarantee.

Psychic reading for the number 4: The spirits tell me you will meet the great love of your life in the next three months, probably on a Tuesday afternoon at a half past 2 PM, at a local supermarket while you are shopping for fresh fruit. The bad news is the great love of your life will have a bizarre sexual fetish. Be careful and hide all the knives...

Psychic reading for the number 5: You are destined to star in porno movies and suffer from genital warts. Your lucky color is fuschia. Your lucky numbers are 4 and 5. Oh, and I found your car keys -- some bum hanging out at the park has them.

Psychic reading for the number 6: You have a cat named Fluffy. Your mother's name is Martha. Your favorite color is yellow. You drive a 1989 Honda Civic, a four door. That's the extent of this psychic reading -- me telling you things you already know.

Psychic reading for the number 7: I know... the number seven is supposed to be a lucky number, that's why you chose it. I'm sorry to inform you that you will have no messages on your answering machine, find nothing but bills in your mail box, your job will be exported in Indonesia, and that hot date you had lined up this weekend will stand you up. I do see one good thing happening for you -- you will buy a new pair of shoes soon and you will get a good price. Your have no lucky numbers. Oh, one more thing... the spirits inform me that you have dog crap on your shoe.

Psychic reading for the number 8: If you chose the number 8 and you are reading this free online psychic prediction, do NOT look out your window -- there is a meteor approaching. DUCK!!! Your lucky number is 21.

Psychic reading for the number 9: It's a shame that more people don't pick the number nine when doing my free online psychic reading because this is a good one, the best of the bunch! Here ya go: you will inherit millions of dollars from a distant relative you didn't even know existed, you will be successful at everything you do, you will travel the world, and you will become an internationally known celebrity and jet setter. However, all this will become tainted when you appear online in an internet sex video with Paris Hilton. That doesn't sound too bad, eh? Wait... the spirits have just informed me it will be a Paris Hilton female impersonator...

Psychic reading for the number 10: The spirits inform me that you chose number ten but were REALLY thinking of the number three. Go back and read that one. Oh, and you know that gay barista that works at the Starbucks you always go to? He has a crush on you...

Psychic reading for the number 11: There is a bus coming at 12:37 PM. You really need to be on that bus. Your lucky numbers this week are 27, 44, and 1,237 and a half. Seriously, you need to be on that bus, man.

Psychic reading for the number 12: The spirits inform me that you have two possible fates this week. The first possible fate is that while driving to work you will tune into the local heavy metal radio channel where the DJay will play a Black Sabbath song backwards. You will become possessed by demons and attempt to bite the head off a small squirrel. Or, you will call in sick every day this week and have an uneventful week staying in bed watching Maury Povich reruns. The choice is yours.

Psychic reading for the number 13: Why do people believe the number 13 is an unlucky one? Why do people read crazy online psychic predictions? Is it because they are superstitious or is there really something to it? In any event, if you chose the number 13 you are destined to move to Cincinatti, Ohio where you will become a mail man. Dogs will bark at you. You will live a long life and be at peace with the fact that you are a mail man. Your lucky number is 7.

There you have it... my free online psychic readings. I hope you've enjoyed your free psychic reading and if you are not happy with it I urge you to come back in a few months when I give my next free online psychic readings and try again! Until then.... "Bula Mahooty Bula..."