Free Yourself from a Toxic Friendship: Life After Dumping a Friend

Friendship can be a warm and tender learning experience. Yet there are times when the word friend conjures up less pleasant thoughts. Instead of being supportive and reliable, this pseudo friend is clingy and insecure. She is in constant need of your approval or your advice on the latest never ending parade of crises in her life. You are a stranger to her because you exist only as a sounding board for the drama that contaminates everything around her. This warped caricature of a friend exists in the lives of many.

Toxicity
The word toxic refers to a contaminant, a life threatening poison. By definition the words toxic and friendship are polar opposites; making the dynamics of a toxic friendship more difficult to navigate. Toxicity within a friendship is demonstrated when one party constantly takes from the relationship while rarely having anything of substance to offer. This faux friend is one who leaves you emotionally spent, clings to you for dear life, is financially manipulative, untrustworthy or abuses your time. Perhaps you are in the middle of a tug of war with this person and other components of your life. Work, family, other friends and quiet time are sworn enemies of a toxic friend. If any of these scenarios sound familiar, you could be involved in a toxic friendship.

Identify & Evaluate
To varying degrees, almost everyone has experienced some type of unhealthy relationship: a friend, a romantic alliance, or even a family member, explained Elaine Hoffman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

An unhealthy friendship can be draining both emotionally and financially. Carefully examine your situation if you suspect that the relationship is toxic.

While there is a difference between a toxic relationship and a toxic friendship, keep in mind that they share many similarities. The term Toxic Relationship generally refers to an unhealthy environment between two people that share a romantic connection. Unhealthy behavior is more common and easier to identify in this type of relationship. "In a toxic relationship, one person can be very critical, controlling, jealous, violent, and intolerant of individual differences," said Hoffman.

"While a physical abuser is most likely male, there is no common thread within any race, age groups, or tax bracket for abuse," said Hoffman. The classic hallmark of an abuser is to be nice and caring with a lot of gift giving initially. Once the abuser is disappointed, the mistreatment soon follows. This manipulation is common in both unhealthy relationships and unhealthy friendships alike.

It takes a keen eye to determine if your friend is merely a little possessive or is down right toxic. When trying to identify the status of your friendship, remember that manipulation appears in many forms and is a common indicator of abuse. Take a long hard look at the person you call friend and ask yourself:

· Does this person inspire and support the pursuit of my dreams?

· Does my friend attempt to control or manipulate me?

· Does my friend use guilt, tears, and emotional blackmail?

· Is this person jealous of the relationships you share with others? (i.e. your children, your spouse, other friends or co-workers.)

When asked what type of person would stay in what is ultimately an abusive relationship, Hoffman stated flatly, "a person with very low self esteem." Usually people from dysfunctional families are prone to remain in these turbulent unions. An individual with an abusive parent is likely to develop a higher tolerance for abuse. Pacifiers, peace makers, and people pleasers are commonplace in unhealthy friendships. A person who hopes to save a chronically needy person is also likely to fall victim to this type of friendship sabotage.

Exodus
Once you realize what you are dealing with, it is important to know your allies, arm yourself with a solid plan, and execute it. "How you leave this situation depends mostly on the level of toxicity," advises licensed marriage and family therapist Daron Dickens. "People are often fearful of confrontation and say anything just to get away from the situation. This is not realistic and it can back fire. Simply be firm and inform the other party of the reasoning behind your decision."

This confrontation will likely be painful and emotionally charged. Simply put, this person knows manipulation and they know you. It is imperative that you be firm. Don't allow your toxic friends' guilt and manipulation to suck you back in. They may attempt to show themselves as new and improved in an effort to prevent you from leaving. It is important to take control if you desire to break free of the relationship.

While it is possible for a toxic individual to work on themselves, Dickens advises group therapy as the best path to their recovery. Even then, an abuser must have a deep desire to change, so be weary of empty promises.

Friendship Detox
Detoxification is your primary concern after being exposed to an unhealthy relationship. While an unhealthy partnership can render your life temporarily unmanageable, the following five steps can help you regain control.

· Accept that you cannot control the behavior others.

· Recognize the strength of a greater power.

· Take ownership of your role.

· Visualize a toxic free life.

· Practice being a good friend to yourself and to others.

It will be difficult re-training your thought process but you can regain your foothold on normalcy.

Dickens warns patients at the Genesis Christian Counseling Center that nothing is one sided; that both parties must accept responsibility.

Knowing and owning your issues may be helpful in avoiding this type of relationship in the future.

You may also seek spiritual and emotional support from your church or counselor. Browse the self-help section at your local bookstore or surf the Internet for assistance with putting this growing phenomenon into perspective.

The Today Show even examines harmful relationships in a three part series. The popular morning television show explains how to identify and break free of toxic relationships. Oprah.com describes characteristics that may assist with identifying and evaluating a friendship.

Customize your method of detoxification based on your needs as opposed to those of an unworthy friend. Regain control of your life, the pursuit of a healthy friendship and your telephone. Ring!