Friday's Relationship Reader, 2/29/08

About two months ago, I wrote an article titled "How to Tell if Your Man Really Loves You." That article has produced more feedback and conversation than my other 21 published articles combined. Some of the things that people have said about it have indicated to me that I may not have been entirely clear in that writing. So, today I am going to elaborate a bit.

First, a disclaimer: I must repeat what I said in the first article, which is that men do not possess the mental capacity to understand the many sensitivities and nuances of the female half of the species. Therefore, since I am a man, everything I say in this article can be dismissed by any female readers, if they choose to do so. Realizing that I have just trivialized the entire purpose of this endeavor, I shall tarry on nonetheless.

Now, let me address the most controversial part of that original article. In it, I said that there is no love in the first six to twelve months of a relationship. I backed up that argument by saying that, no matter how great the relationship may be going, no matter how crazy you are about the other person, there is just too much emotion and too many hormones involved in those early stages to know if you are truly in love.

I stand by that statement, but with a caveat. The "six-month rule" is a general condition, and does not apply to every relationship. Obviously, if a couple was certain that they were in love after just a month of dating, and they ended up marrying and staying together for 75 years, then they were right; there probably was love there even after just a few weeks. My point is that, in most relationships, it feels like you are in love, only to find out that it was really just infatuation.

So please don't say to someone that you have just started dating, "We can't be in love for at least six months." That is probably not a good idea. Just go with it, and see what happens. Besides, I am not remotely qualified to be relied upon as a source. Hell, I'm a man, so I'm probably dead wrong.

Anyway, there are ways, in my opinion, to help ensure that love sticks around in those relationships where it already exists. These pointers, obviously, are directed at those couples that have been together for some time; long enough to know for certain if they are (or are not) in love.

One suggestion is to go on a weekly date, even if you are absolutely dreading the idea. You might search desperately for an excuse to cancel, but don't do it. Go out to dinner, or to a movie (although that is not recommended, since you can completely ignore each other in a dark theatre). Most likely, you will begin to actually look forward to these dates. You may even find a hint of a spark there, reminding you of the way it felt when you were still in the "infatuation" phase.

There is another possible outcome from going on a date with your significant other every week, one that is not nearly as pleasant but still productive. You may find that, even after doing this for a while, you are still dreading date night. You may suggest going to a movie, precisely so you can ignore your partner. You may give in to your worst inclinations and actually make an excuse to cancel.

If that is the case, then it is a pretty good indication that you are not in love. That would be a good time to reevaluate your relationship. After all, if you can't stand going out and spending time with this person, is it really a relationship you want to stay in?

Another suggestion is to leave notes for each other. It doesn't have to be on little pieces of paper (although, if placed strategically, this can be a wonderful mood setter) but can be in electronic form, or any written form. Most of us have been in a relationship where there doesn't seem to be much verbal communication anymore. Some of us have even been in a situation where verbally communicating with our partner is almost impossible, even if we try. In those cases, try to reopen those lines of communication through the written word. It is almost always easier to put your feelings into words when you are writing them down. Your partner might just understand where you are coming from a little better, and things might improve. Or, you may both come to realize that its just not going to work. Either way, you've made progress.

Progress is the point, after all, isn't it? Nobody wants to be in a stale relationship that's not going anywhere. If you've been dating someone, and things seem to be going well, you want to progress into the "serious relationship" mode. If you're already in "serious relationship" mode, you might be thinking of going into that deep, dark world of marriage. If you've been married for years, you certainly don't want to go backwards; you want to progress into the "golden years" - together.

So even if your efforts to find (or re-find) love fail, at least its progress. And progress is what its all about.