Friend or Foe: Everything I'm Not I Learned from My Former Friends

How to make friends and influence people: Once upon a time a "friend" didn't talk to me for six weeks. When it was obvious I was unaffected by her silence she told me she was mad because she had seen me talking to her boyfriend six weeks before in a parking lot where we both worked and he was waiting for her. She advised me that talking to your friend's boyfriends brings out their inner unjustified jealous bitch. Of course this former friend also dates her friend's ex-boyfriends, friends of her ex-boyfriends and ex-husband, and other people's husbands. She's just the kind of friend everyone should have for a little while; the kind that makes you feel awesome about yourself because you're not a desperate, whoring, jealous, loser.

Fashion forward: "I'm so embarrassed." said the former friend regarding a horrific wardrobe malfunction. This was right after she told me that she refused to buy anything over a size 14. "Spandex is the key to buying a size 14 when you're a size 18," she said. Right before revealing that you're NOT supposed to wear a tank top or a T-shirt under the zippered sweatshirt of your track suit. Heck you don't even have to wear a bra if you don't want to. Her last bit of advice: wearing high heels always makes you look thinner. The malfunction happened as she hobbled forward in her Frankenstein shoes, bending as she went; which rolled her belly-flab-flap over her waistband and onto her spreading thighs, which were straining her spandex laden pants to their maximum with the end result being them slinking down to mid ass just as the zippered sweat shirt, sans any under garment, sprung up her back to reveal her thong and flopping her torpedo shaped breasts out of the gaping front as our children watched. I was pretty sure fashion advice wasn't her strong suit.



Qualified marriage counseling: Former friends who never had a healthy relationship telling me how to be married has been, quite literally, priceless. According to them we need to go into hock buying name brands, the latest electronics, new furniture, and successively larger televisions to compete with the Joneses. I don't even know the Joneses! We should put extravagant vacations and jewelry on our credit cards and buy the biggest most expensive gas guzzling vehicle; on a payment plan of course. All these things go in the house we altered our financials to qualify for then took out a loan to remodel. After all marriage is all about the assets right? I think we're just fine thank you very much. I know where he is, he knows where I am, and we are both, in our affordable home, driving cars we don't owe on, watching our 12 year old television from the inherited couch, and looking good in clothes that don't have someone else's name plastered all over them. As for these most trusted advisors; their marriages ended in vicious divorces while still in the single digit anniversaries, cheating spouses, heart failure, frequent guest privileges at juvenile hall for their troubled kids, lifelong debt for items they no longer own and in some cases a felony record. Yes by all means please tell me how you would do marriage because I don't think mine can last another minute never mind another eighteen years without your sage advice.

The warm fuzzies of friendship: I have learned that "Oh I'm SOOOOOO jealous!" actually means just that and not the friendly "I'm so happy for you and I'm going to get one too". It's the full on I hate you and would kill you if it would get me some of what you have without me having to work for it. This comment is usually followed by some other '‹Å"street smart' (hear "I'm stupid" whenever someone tells you their street smarts trump your book smarts) sentence like "if I had a husband to pay for everything for me I could be like you." Sorry sweetie, the least important of my jobs is the one that garners me a pay check and the fact that you don't get that proves you have no smarts at all.

Be safe.