Friendly with an Ex

Maybe you're like me and you've recently split up with your spouse. Nobody thinks of divorce as a happy occasion, but there are ways to minimize the pain it has to cause you. Naturally, if there is some sort of impediment that makes it smarter for you to not have contact with them, you should avoid them. But barring this, I believe that most separations can be handled amicably. Here's how I'm remaining friendly with my ex, in spite of our split.

First, if you have children, I'm sure you're already aware that you need to keep it civil for them. But you can go a step farther. Try to see what your kids like about your ex. Does he make them laugh? Does he play games with them? Does he take them to the park? These are all qualities that you would admire if it was anyone else. Make sure to acknowledge them in your husband. Just because he's a bad husband doesn't make him a bad father.

Second, take what you need, not what you can. As a stay-at-home-mom, I found myself at a loss for what to do when my husband said he was leaving. I put college on hold to make sure he could go, and to take care of the kids. And with no degree and a spotty work history, I found myself in a panic at what to do next. I realized that all the times he had pressed for me to get a job, I resisted because I didn't feel like I would get enough support from him, and that he wanted me to do it his way. But after the split, I quickly realized that I missed being in college, and I wanted an actual career of my own. But I also realized this would take some time. We worked up a plan within one day of our split that gave me some time to get my degree and find a job, but also would give him enough money to do well. There were some things that he didn't initially want to agree to, but when I explained why I needed them as a safety net, he agreed that it was for the best. I do not want to take his money just for the sake of taking it. But I also do not want to fail, just because I'm not getting enough financial support.

Third, be generous. Along the same lines, there is no reason to get greedy, just to hurt the other person. Just tonight, I offered to let him take the grill, even though I love grilled food, because I don't see myself ever using it. He said that his apartment complex would not allow it, and said that I could keep it. I told him I would, as long as he agreed to come over and grill steaks occasionally. He laughed and it's a good example of how we could cooperate to figure out who needs something more.

Fourth, don't be afraid to stand your ground on some issues. It's all about picking your fights. My husband took some things that belonged to both of us. I asked him to please return them, and said that it was not fair of him to decide that he gets to keep it without discussing it first. As we worked through, we both talked about what we really wanted, and came to an agreement that we both felt was fair. Another example was the issue of spousal support. He did not want to pay as much as I asked for, but I insisted I needed it and explained that it was for the time I was in school and to take care of the kids. He eventually agreed to the amount and number of years, but stipulated that if I got married again it would cease. He also insisted that it start tapering off after a number of years, and in later years it would only be a fraction of what it previously was. I agreed because my intent was to use it during the tight years when I would be more likely to need it. In later years, I would have my own established career, and therefore not need his money.

Fifth, allow yourself time to deal with the grief. It is a sad time in your life, and that's alright. If you're having a difficult day and you need to see each other because of visitation, let them know ahead of time that you're struggling. I met my husband at the door not long ago and told him that I was having a bad day and was likely to lash out at him. He had fair warning, and didn't take it personally when I brought up events from our past. Instead, by the end of the evening, we were calmly talking about what had happened in the past, and how each of us misinterpreted the other. I don't think we would have been able to do that if I had not warned him that I was about to treat him unfairly.

Sixth, work on yourself. I've come up with a list of qualities that I need to see in a man before I can fall in love with him. It's based partially on what made me fall in love with my husband, and partially on what made me fall out of love with him. But I also made up a list of qualities I need to see in myself before I'm ready to fall in love again. I have the opportunity to enjoy things that I haven't enjoyed in years, because I'm making the most of my opportunities. When we were together, we would rarely go out because there was nobody to watch the kids, and we wouldn't have any fun going alone. But we didn't realize that we didn't have much fun staying at home together either. I'm already making plans to see a local theater production while the kids are having their visitation with him.

Seventh, say the words, "Thank you," "I'm sorry," and "I forgive you." And mean them. Maybe you are thankful that they are a good parent. Maybe they have been very generous to you. Whatever decent thing they do, thank them and mean it. Also, make sure to apologize. Barring an event that is completely one-sided for ending the marriage, chances are, both people have some apologies to offer. Maybe you should have listened more, or offered more support. Whatever the reason, say you're sorry and mean it. And finally, forgive them. I was upset and angry and hurt when I learned that my ex was leaving. And he admitted that I should be angry with him because of the way it ended. I wanted to hash out each detail and figure out where it all went wrong. But I soon realized that the only time I cried is when I talked about the past with him. I could discuss it with my friends and not get upset. I could think about it without tearing up. And I could even talk about present events with him without getting upset. But working through each detail was causing me great anguish. And worse, it wasn't helping. We could talk about all the details, but it wasn't going to give me any more insight into why it ended, or likely save me from any future relationship problems. And it wasn't going to make it suddenly get better. If there was going to be a reconciliation, it would only be after we had both worked on our personal issues, and that's not something that can really be addressed easily with another person giving you input on how to live your life. And once I came to the conclusion that I wanted it to be over too, it was easy to not hold a grudge anymore. Tell them you forgive them, but make sure you mean it.

Finally, it's okay to admit that your marriage didn't work out. That doesn't necessarily mean it was a failure though. My ex and I had 13 years and two great kids together. And so far, we've managed to stay friends. There's nothing that's a failure about that. Furthermore, as I told him today, he's a good man and a good father, but he was a lousy husband. Now that he's my ex, I don't have that connection to him anymore, and I can still acknowledge the good man and good father parts, without having to worry about the things I didn't like. I told him it's a win for me, and smiled as I said it.