Friendship Between a Man and a Woman is Not Always a Compromise

An interesting article about why friendships between men and women are not readily accepted by society suggests that those friendships that do work have an aspect of androgyny to them. I am not so sure about that theory. There is a lot of men and women that are comfortable in traditional gender roles that do not have any problems with being friends with each other. They respect each others boundaries, and they respect each others relationships.

I do not think that friendships between men and women fail because of sexual chemistry, but rather that they fail when two people are unable to have an honest talk about what chemistry may exist. When your friend tires of hearing about your significant other or is jealous and indifferent, that is a clear sign that they either have feelings for you or that your friendship has become about your relationship at home, not about them. Friendships between the sexes can easily become about whatever romantic relationships people have elsewhere. It is a trap and a rut that platonic relationships can fall into.

Talking about someone else's relationship is interesting and exciting at first. Someone of the opposite sex can give a perspective about intimate relationships that someone of the same sex may not be able to. I would rather talk with another woman about my feelings than talk to another man any day of the week. At the same time, your friend can be blunt and you may not want to hear what they have to say, and that is how a lot of problems get started. Too often people hold onto the friendship because they do not want to ruin the relationship. Well that friendship is already ruined because you are lying to them out of omission every time you are around.

If you have feelings for your friend, it is not as though they are not going to realize what is going on. If they don't you two probably are not that close to begin with. You have to ask yourself if your friend is going to do anything about your relationship or if you even want them to do anything about it. Are you asking your friend to consider your own emotional needs in a roundabout, read in-between the lines way or are you really venting? You might find that it is a lot easy to "talk" to your friend and end up pursuing her without even realizing it.

Sexual chemistry in what is supposed to be a platonic relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a natural occurrence between two people that are close to each other and have learned how to co-exist in the same space. If there is lust in your heart that is an entirely different matter, and that is where friendships often go wrong. One person is thinking about the other too much and anticipates seeing that other person. You want a friendship in where it is nice that the other person is there but you do not necessarily need for them to be there either. When they aren't around you should open yourself up to other people and explore friendships with them instead of obsessing about that other person. That is the most appropriate thing to do, and what you will need to do when things aren't working out with your friend and they need their space.

Men and women have been conditioned to act upon whatever sexual impulses they may have, and that is one of the primary issues that people have with platonic friendships. Has anyone ever considered that a man and a woman in a strong platonic friendship may have exercised control and restraint over whatever urges they may have and are realistic about the expectations and changes to that friendship that would occur if they were to ever act upon them? It is also perfectly normal to be in a platonic friendship with someone you aren't remotely attracted to.

Men and women that have issues with platonic friendships have issues with how they relate to the opposite sex in general. A man should be able to talk to you without being attracted to you or wanting to sleep to you. If you think that a man wants something more it could be that you are attracting those types of men because of the signals that you are sending out. What I have come to realize over the years is that there are simply a lot of women that do not friendships with men. It is a rare occurrence for them.

That does not say anything about the type of woman that she is. All that tells me is that she may not know how to deal with someone of the opposite sex in a platonic relationship because she never had the opportunity to. Men and women get typecast, so we often come to expect for things to be a certain way when that is not always the case. If every man you ran into wanted to sleep with you and someone comes along that does not you might not be sure what you should do. You wouldn't have anything to talk to them about, it would be very awkward at first and you wouldn't want to become entirely too comfortable in the event that he was just one more guy that wanted to sleep with you.

If you approach a woman without any expectation of what is going to happen, they are going to be skeptical. They might think that you are weird, eccentric, strange. Everyone else wants them, so why is it that you don't and what is so special about you or what do you find different about them that you aren't trying to get with them. This are the hurdles that men and women that want a platonic relationship have to deal with. Talking to someone, without flirting with them and ignoring any type of signals they may be putting out is weird. Women already have enough to deal with as it is, and might feel rejected. The best thing to do is to take your time, and there is a lot of women that can respect that but if you never try in the first place that is weird.

I used to think that when you faced those obstacles with a platonic relationship early on you should throw in the towel, but my thoughts have changed over the years. Women have a way of being there for you when you aren't looking for them. We need to stop looking at relationships between men and women in black and white. I am not saying that lust does not find its way into situations between two human beings. What I am suggesting, is that when your hands are kept to yourself and there is no physical contact, that opens up a world of possibilities that you would never explore if you were physically intimate with someone.

You have to develop your other senses and begin to learn how to communicate with women in a different capacity than you would have if it were always about sex. Being friends is a good way to learn how to appreciate women. If you weren't already friends with your significant other, you can learn how to be friends because of what you now know. Perhaps one of the reasons that people think that men and women cannot just be friends is because they do not have any friendships with the people they are romantically involved with. You can have a very intense relationship with someone without saying more than a few words to them. That is not a real friendship, but that is a true relationship. Lust can go a long way and make you feel as if that other person really understands you, until you actually start to talk to them and you realize that they do not understand you.

We need to practice being friends with each other first. We shouldn't date people that we aren't friends with, we shouldn't sleep with them and we most certainly should not marry someone we aren't good friends with. I am not suggesting that friendship is a lot of hard work. But what I am saying is that friendship is often about less, not more. Friendship should not be complicated and it should not be stressful. You're not gay, or strange, or androgynous, or exhibiting traits of the opposite gender, or anything else when you have a platonic friendship. Realizing that you are free to exhibit characteristics you typically would not feel free to share with other people of the same gender is not a bad thing.

People have a way of displacing their own issues off onto other people. It isn't that people always want to sleep with you, it could be that you have your own issues with sex! It could be that the way that you feel about yourself is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again this is not that people are necessarily bad people, but if no one ever gave them the opportunity to be themselves they are going to expect something from other people and they will find a way to relate to people in that way because they feel that it is perfectly normal. This is one of the reasons why people chase good people away.

They aren't used to anyone who is nice to them. Nice people are always there, but in today's society it is just assumed that they will always be there, and that is not the case they simply find people that accept them for who they are. Then they meet someone else, and someone else again. Many years later they have either settled down with someone who is nice, or are good friends with someone that is nice. Forget about the friend zone and all of those other games you do not have to play with that other person. Whoever put you in the friend zone is not really your friend.