Friendships

Throughout my life I have gained some wonderful friends both male and female. The shortest friendship I have happens to be ten years, and the longest is twenty-five. I have shared some good and bad times with each of these individuals. It's amazing how people change, you can know someone all your life and one day they just aren't there anymore. Usually it's because they have found a new love and don't know how to separate time between being a friend as well as someones significant other. Sometimes it is due to the fact that the friendship has just faded away. I've even had a very good friend of mine get caught up in all the gang violence we had here in Little Rock in the early 90's. He was shot and killed by a man whose car he was attempting to steal for an initiation. He respected me though., sometimes I would sit on my front porch and as I looked down the street he would take of his bandanna before he made it to my house. This loss of a friendship was the worst of all because when he was killed I did not live here at the time, and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I never understood why someone with so much potential would fall into the trap of being in a gang.

I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. Even though I don't communicate at all with friends of the past, they have taught me things I probably wouldn't have learned on my own. I will not be a name dropper and expose the individuals that I am speaking of. If you're reading this and it makes you feel a little uncomfortable chances are it's you. Now the the next question is what are you going to do about it? I'm pretty sure act the same way you did before, which is what I am totally used to or you can bring about a change in yourself that would really shock the hell the out of me. I've never had a problem being there for my friends, but at times I feel as if some of them never have time for me.

When special occasions arise, I am always there with a gift in hand, and huge smile on my face. If my friend has a special moment it feels like mine as well, but do I even get a call on my birthday ? You should never give expecting something in return. If you are constantly the one giving eventually you start to feel used, and then that progresses to resentment even anger at times. I understand that my friends have their own lives to live. Is is too much to ask for a call or a visit when things are going well instead of only hearing from them when they are in a rut, need to vent or expect me to spend money(everyone knows if your invited to a function you're expected to bring a gift). I understand that that decision is left up to the individual, but it's not usually the norm not to bring a little something even if it's just food.

Most(not all)of my friendships are still afloat because I constantly keep in touch with them. Maybe I will call or send an e-card just to let them know they're thought about . When I decide to use a phone call as my line of communication, i usually get a "let me call you right back". Of course I expect a call by the end of the day right.? No, this pretty much means I will get a call in the next 2-3 months. This may sound like I am whiny, call it what you will. Starting this year I made a promise to myself that I will not be readily available for these so called "friends" anymore. I'm pretty sure that the phone lines go both ways. If they call and I happen to answer the phone fine, or if they leave a message I will be sure to return the call. No longer will I be the one steadily pumping life into these dead friendships. I have learned that true friends care enough to call and check in on you sometimes if only to say hi and hang up the phone. Of course I've tried to express my feelings about these matters, and they will humor me by saying they understand. Nothing ever changes though.

Don't get me wrong these individuals have some wonderful traits as well, they weren't always this way. Somewhere down the line I guess they figured I would always be there and I can be put on the top shelf way in the back, and pull me out when I'm needed. It's nice to know that my opinion matters in certain situations or that I am the holder of certain secrets that they dare not repeat to another soul. I've been there for births, birthdays, Christmas parties, graduations, all sorts of wonderful things, but after they're over we usually don't communicate until the next event. I guess it bothered me so much at first, because tomorrow is not promised to us. We could be gone at the blink of an eye, not ever letting the people we care about know how much they mean to us. Sometimes being the bigger person is a big thing to do. I've always prided myself on treating others as I want to be treated, and so many times I've had my feelings trampled on , but I dust myself off and go on. Taking a good look at myself has helped me out as well. Maybe I knew the friendship was fading and was trying extra hard to keep it thriving. Maybe they see me as a nuisance, and no longer want anything to do with me. Maybe at the time they were the friend that I needed them to be. Or maybe just maybe they were not a good fit from the start, and I just refused to see it. All these things go through my mind constantly.

I've never wanted anyone to walk behind me, because I'm not much of leader
I've never wanted anyone to walk in front of me, because I'm not much of a follower
All I've ever wanted is for someone to walk beside me and be my friend

I hope that this helps those who feel as I do.