Friendship....the Ever Elusive "Treasure"

Friendship is one of those things that we see staring us in the face nearly everyday. From billboards with happy friends shopping together to ads in the paper with friends enjoying summer fun to even books, which extol the virtues of being " true friends".

The truth of the matter is, most of us as we grow older, have narrowed our list of friends considerably from when we were in our teens and twenties and with good reason. When you are in high school you see "friends" everyday, you don't have much else to do with your free time but "hang out" with your friends. It is important at this time in your life to gather friends around you, in order to identify yourself.

When you are in your twenties your idea of friendship changes somewhat to include college, fraternities, clubs and work friendships. You may leave your old high school buddies behind who have chosen another path to take in order to include new friends you have met. Again you have a broad base from which to choose and though your "true friends" list is growing smaller, you still feel secure in your number of friends.

Then your late 20's and early 30's creep up on you and you are most likely married with kids and a home. This limits your base of friends and even changes it for some as you realize that those "happy go lucky" folks who aren't married yet may have little in common with you. The change can be glaring, with you realizing one day that you haven't been "shopping" with your college roommate in weeks and haven't seen your H.S. "best bud" in years.

And then comes a big change in your 'friendships". This is one that can be as shocking as a cold shower or as elusive as "that perfect purse". This is what I like to call "the PTO friendship". This begins when your child starts school. At first you may not realize what is happening, but as the years go by, (and you have kids growing older as I have) you can easily see this phenomenon developing.

This is when you begin to tailor your friendships to those parents who have a child in the same classroom, club, soccer team or church group that your child is involved in. These friendships can be confusing and even heartbreaking as they change from year to year depending upon your child.

This isn't always a bad thing though, for as your child grows and changes his or her friends with the school years you also get the chance (and think of it as a "chance" not an "oh no!") to meet new people. This also gives you the option to slowly back out of a friendship as your child (and you) move on to another school year.

This time in your life also includes your neighborhood friendships as well, for as you grown older if you are like my husband and I, you will see changes in those who live nearby. Houses will go up for sale on a regular basis and those you thought were friends will fade out of sight as the moving van did, to be replaced with new playmates for your child and new friends for you. It will be an ever-changing backdrop for your life for awhile.

One that can be confusing and somewhat sad, or if you are like me, one that when the new neighbors arrive, you thank the good Lord that he placed them in your neighborhood, for they are a perfect fit, not just for your child but for yourself. They are the sort of friends that you know you can depend upon for anything, the ones that you can call on in any emergency, and the ones that understand when you have to cancel a movie because your life is so unpredictable.

I know this sounds clinical and maybe even a bit scary but hang in there. Past the H.S. "buds", the college "sorority sisters", and the "PTO parents" there is hope. For if you are lucky, a friendship will begin to form and grow and will outlast the changes in your life, extra curricular activities and time, until you realize one day that your friendship has been strong for years....and that thought makes you smile.

That is when you will realize who a "true" friend is. And you will be thankful for that, for a true friend is hard to find...but when you do, the friendship will be unmistakable!

There are some great books on friendship for all ages available. Check your library for these titles and others like them!

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and how to Solve Them (a book written primarily for parents to help their children, but full of advice parents can use as well)

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (interesting, in that it lists the "tricks"...some of which are bound to fit nearly every reader

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (a writer who has made millions on his "winning friends" theory....this theory has been around for 30 years so something obviously is working here!)

Making Friends by Fred Rogers (a book geared for younger children but one with a message only Mr. Rogers can deliver!)

How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them by Marc Brown (another book written for young children but well worth the read)

Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends (an interesting book in which, chapters address different personalities of children, how to identify your child and how to help this type of child make friends.)

And for those times when you are hurt by some of the "nasty people' in your life try:

Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them

And for a lighthearted look at friendship try.....

Divine Secrets of the YA-YA Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells