From Depp to Hasselhoff: My Take on the World's 100 Most Sexy Male Celebrities

Curious about the sort of men other women find sexy, I went online. (Two thousand years ago, I would have had to make a pilgrimage to the Oracle at Delphi. Thank the gods that's over.) I found a Top 100 list. It's a UK Top 100 list, but as British women seem to like pretty much the same things that American women like, I decided to go with it.

I had to go online, because my idea of what is sexy is very far removed from what most women like. I've just fangirled all over Greg House with an article called "Hugh Laurie, Sex Symbol," for crying out loud. I don't think House was meant to be a sex symbol. That's why the show's creators gave us Drs. Chase and Wilson. For some reason, though, women seem to agree with me about the House thing. At the movies, though, things are very different.

What follows is my take on some of the world's officially sexy guys.

No. 1-Johnny Depp. I have a deep appreciation for Depp. I even think he is kinda pretty on occasion. And yes, I would probably show Captain Jack Sparrow exactly where the rum is. But I don't find Johnny Depp himself particularly sexy. I see why people do, though. OK, so maybe Sparrow is sexy and Depp isn't. (Did you know, that when I type Sparrow, Open Office tries to automate it into "spankings" for some reason?)

No. 2-Brad Pitt. I have never gotten the whole Brad Pitt thing. I thought the Vampire Louie of "Interview With the Vampire" was beautiful in a sort of "but I don't actually want to have sex with him" kind of way, but that is the only role I've ever found Pitt attractive in. (In "Interview," I preferred Stephen Rea's Santiago. Yeah.)

No. 3-Robbie Williams. No. Just...no.

No. 4-Jesse Metcalfe of "Desperate Housewives." I don't watch "Desperate Housewives," but I do like the idea of a gardener. However, according to this guy's online pic, he's about 12. And a bit too...footbally for my taste.

No. 5-Orlando Bloom. He's got the "kinda cute" thing going for him. He was a "kinda cute" pirate in "Pirates of the Caribbean." He was a beautiful elf in "Lord of the Rings." OK, maybe I'd show Legolas where the rum is too. But only until I could get to Lord Elrond.

No. 6-Christian Bale. He's got the chiseled face thing going for him. And he was a really good Batman. OK, he was passable in Batman. But then I saw him in "The Prestige," which made me think, "Good actor, but no." I really thought, after seeing him in "American Psycho," that I would come around to feeling a bit o' the old lust for this one. But it just never happened.

No. 7-Jude Law. I have several friends who would love to tackle this guy in a vat of mud. I can see it. I just don't go for the snotty little schoolboy thing.

No. 8-David Beckham. I have to admit, I'm not that familiar with Beckham. Looks like a decent-looking guy. But that's just it. I don't like decent-looking guys. He's a bit too All-American looking.

No. 9-Benicio Del Toro. I should like this guy. I really should. He should be my type, since he tends to play scary, drug-dealing mobsters and has one of the coolest names in the world. But no.

No. 10-George Clooney. No. He's too...good-looking, good-looking. Ya know?

Since it's obvious that I can't do this for 90 more guys, I am going to just go down the list looking for someone to love. I'll comment if something really jumps out at me in a, "How COULD they?" kind of way. Like No. 15. Justin Timberlake. Do people actually LIKE him?

No. 16-Pay dirt! Keanu Reeves-yes! He's not exactly completely my type, but I wouldn't kick him off the mattress.

No. 17-Now this is much more like it..."ER's" Goran Visnjic. Croatian. That figures.

No. 18-Olivier Martinez. Oh. Dear. God. If I make comments about him, I will probably violate several decency laws.

No. 23-Hugh Grant. Great smile, but no. He's much too silly and icky.

No. 33-Chef Gordon Ramsey of "Hell's Kitchen." As a rule, I don't like blonds. But this guy is just frightening enough to get my attention. We'll keep this one.

No. 38-Elijah Wood. Absolutely. No. Hobbitses.

No. 42-Will Smith is not scary enough to be irresistibly sexy. In fact, he's not scary at all. But he's just so darned cute. And he did the whole "naked-in-shower" thing really well in "I, Robot."

No. 46-David Duchovny has the whole "kinda sexy but not devastating" thing going. Where did he go, anyway?

No. 48-Harrison Ford. Oh yeah. No reason for this guy to ever go "Solo."

No. 49-Hugh Jackman. I gasp with amazement. This is a truly beautiful man. In fact, the first time I ever saw him I had to sit down immediately. Or else my legs had buckled and a chair just happened to be there. So why do people think Brad Pitt is better-looking than this guy? Must fan self now.

No. 64-Viggo Mortensen. It's the cleft chin, isn't it? I think he is absolutely one of the least attractive men I have ever seen.

And just where the heck is Adrien Brody on this list???

No. 74-Lenny Kravitz appeals to that part of me that was goofy about musicians when I was a teenager in the '80s. He's like Keith Richards meets Prince. Not irresistible, but nice. Very nice. And also naked online.

No. 78-Sean Connery. Come on, it's Sean Freakin' Connery.

No. 88-Ralph Fiennes. Now that's a big, breathless, "Yes." Because of him, I now have a thing for Lord Voldemort. Thank you very much, Ralph. (Whatever. Bald guys are hot, right? Right?)

No. 100-David Hasselhoff. You're kidding, right?

No Adrien Brody. I can only conclude it's because they don't actually know about Adrien Brody. Maybe they don't know about Nigel Havers either, even though he is actually British. He played Captain Hook. Any guy who can pull off Captain Hook is OK in my book. I do like pirateses. And what about Ami James of "Miami Ink"? And Nestor Serrano? Now that is another guy that could make your legs buckle.

I may just have to do my own Top 100.