From a Parent of an ADHD Child

I'm afraid of my cell phone. I keep it in my back pocket and from the hours of 8:00 - 3:00 Monday through Friday, I dread hearing it ring. I switch my ring tones frequently because the anxiety I have from hearing the familiar tune is crippling. Over the years I have come to hate the sight of that phone, but can't turn it off. If it doesn't ring, I feel relief.

So what is on the other end of that call that I dread so much? Over the years I have heard:

"Mrs. Maxwell? Matt is having a rough day today....he:

-ran away from his teachers four times

-won't take his rest and took apart the headset we gave him to listen to

-climbed under the fire truck during the field trip and wouldn't come out

-hit his friend because he couldn't have the orange crayon

-threw the ball into the street

-climbed the fence and jumped off

-wouldn't stop running in the classroom and hit his tooth on the floor

-ran away from his teacher again and laughed at her when she finally caught up with him

-threw snowballs at a moving car from the parking lot

-ran and hid on the stage during gym

-jumped off same stage

-wouldn't sit still during circle time

-had two wetting accidents

And the list goes on. Most issues taken individually can be excused as a young child misbehaving. But over time they begin to compile and our personal experiences combined with phone calls, notes home, and parent teacher conferences begin to point to something a little more than just misbehaving. They begin to open the doors to discovering more about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

In the process of learning about the disease and determining whether we needed to pursue a diagnosis, a specialist explained ADHD to me this way: "It is a difficult challenge, but it can also be a gift. It's just the gift that is hard to open." I was intrigued by her words, but at the time I was still questioning too many things to really think it through.

At first, my husband and I resisted the diagnosis. Yes, there was something that needed to be addressed. But how could it be ADHD? Matt could concentrate for long periods of time on a multitude of things! He wasn't scattered. He didn't flit from one activity to the next. He just wasn't a poster child for our own stereotype of an ADHD child.

Still denying the possibility of ADHD, we nonetheless continued to seek out the experts to find out what we could do as parents to help him behave in a more mainstream manner. We talked to his pediatrician who referred us to a child behavioral specialist. We worked with her on activities and non medication ways of redirecting Matt's behavior. But day after day the negative reports kept coming back from his daycare. He hit his teacher. He refused to leave the library. He wouldn't sit still to do artwork. He couldn't join his classmates in a party because he didn't clean up his puzzle. Finally we decided it was time to press forward.

The first thing we did was remove him from the negative environment of his daycare. The second was to work even more directly with his pediatrician to get a final and confirmed diagnosis. We met with specialists in ADHD and began to see the picture become clearer. His new daycare was outstanding and worked with us to really isolate what was a normal misbehavior and what was a red flag. We saw progress, but we also saw his impulsivity escalating. And most important: Matt was beginning to realize he was different and he wanted help. We finally made the difficult decision to put him on medication.

If we had doubted the diagnosis, seeing the difference with him on the meds would have changed our minds. We began with low doses until we found the right mix. Suddenly our child was curbing the impulses and was able to think clearer. He was able to sit still in a restaurant and work on a word search for over an hour while we enjoyed a leisurely meal. He was getting great feedback from his teachers on a consistent basis for the first time.

He has been on medication for a year now and while it isn't perfect, at least we have more control. He struggled in the last year to go from the laid back atmosphere of his daycare to a structured private school kindergarten. I do still get the phone calls and I still hate my cell phone. On any given day, we deal with his impulses, hyperactivity (think "happy drunk around sober friend"), resistance to transitions, calls from school asking if he took his meds that morning, notes from school about not listening and more. But we are finally beginning to clearly see what those elusive "gifts" of ADHD are.

Our son is full of empathy. He is kind to others and respects their feelings. He knows what it's like to be different and to struggle. He is able to reason better than most children his age. He was verbal very early on and has followed this up with a voracious appetite for reading. His sharp focus on the details that interest him has helped him be a kindergartener who reads at a second grade level. He has a hunger to learn and he remembers everything he has seen, read and heard. He has a very unique perspective on life and his problem solving skills are remarkable. But best of all? He is full of love and affection and places a high value on his family. Kisses and hugs are unlimited in our house.

Today, I still struggle with whether or not I accept that my child has a disability and view his challenges from that perspective, or whether we should keep working to hold him to mainstream expectations. The medications are a leveling field in this case and I am afraid to excuse anything with the easy "he has ADHD and it's just that way" excuse. I'm sure I will continue this struggle as he grows up and we learn together.

ADHD is hard. But once you begin to peel back the wrapping paper to see all the good that is there, coping becomes just that much easier. It may be a challenging gift, but in the end that is what your child is: a precious, precious gift.