From Your Relationship to Shaq, Answers to Popular Questions

Since I am new to this site I think I should probably give everyone a little background information on myself. First off, my name is Tim. Secondly, I am a man. Thirdly, i have Mensa-like brain power.... in my little pinky toe. Fourthly, anyone who doesn't like my "stuff" must be allergic to awesome and should probably get that checked out before it spreads. And now I will solve some of everyone's issues:

Issue #1: "Tim, New Orleans is in a state of ruin and it has been months since Hurrican Katrina nearly destroyed this old, beautiful city so my question is: How are we going to reuild one of the country's greatest cities?"

Tim's Answer: Wow, that's a great question. As you may or may not know, I have spent some time in New Orleans over the past few years and I will always have a place in my heart for that city. I still remember the first time I went to New Orleans and the absolute filth that was Bourbon Street and the surrounding areas. I also remember adding to that filth by throwing up right there on the sidewalk because my 19 year old body couldn't handle all the Hurricane's, shots and greasy food that I had been ingesting over the previous 48 hours. And you know what? Adding to that filth made me realize that it isn't about the pee filled streets or the crack head drug pushers walking around the streets but it's about unity. Unity. I'll type it one more time. Unity. I puked right next to some girl from New Mexico who I had never even met but we now had something in common. We both loved Jagermeister and public intoxication and when you think about it, WHO DOESN'T? Sometimes in life you need to take a step back from your busy daily routine and just look around. Without New Orleans I would have never met this beautiful drunk girl or the New Orleans County prosecuter who tried to get me on date rape charges but they are both great people and that is why I know that Bourbon Street and all of Lousiana will be ok. New Orleans was all about bringing people together. Unity. So to answer your question, my guess is they will rebuild the entire city using one word: Unity.

Issue #2: "I've been in a serious relationship for 4 1/2 years and my boyfriend still has commitment issues with me. He won't even commit to getting a pet hamster and I wouldn't dare bring up marriage or kids with him. I also can't get him to pay attention to me on Sundays when foootball is on. Please help me!"

Tim's Answer: Did you even pose a question in that babbling mess? Before I delve into the ocean that is your relationship issues, I first want to say a few things since most of you are meeting me for the first time. Women are the worst breed of humans. From past expierence I have found that they are manipulative and hold no remorse for the spontaneous combustions that they occasioanly cause. I mean if I ever caused someone to spontaneously combust just by nagging them then I think I would feel terrible but not women. They are programmed to enjoy that type of stuff.

Now back to this young lady's issues. If it has been 4 1/2 years and he has commitment problems it's probably because he doesn't like you that much, in fact, I'm willing to bet a nickel that he is cheating on you right now or at the very least would like to cheat on you. Either that or he is worried that he wont be able to find someone as hot/rich/hot/wealthy as you. If I were you and I were hot and rich then I would go see the person who wrote this article and turn into their sex slave. Does that answer your question?

Issue #3: "Bill Russell vs Shaq in their primes. Who wins?"

Tim's answer: Now here is something worth talking about, sports. If they played a best of five series, up to 11 pts, this is how the games would go.
-Shaq shoots for ball, misses badly.
-Russell takes the ball at the top of the key, picks wedgie from ridiculously tight shorts, proceeds to shoot 9 foot jumper off the side of the backboard. Shaq's ball.
-Shaq takes it at the top of the key, backs Russell down, dunks on Bill's face. Since we are playing "make it, take it" Shaq gets the ball again at the top of the key.
-This time he gives him a crossover before backing him down and slamming the ball directly into Russell's face causing his nose to shatter and blood to go everywhere. (The game is stopped momentarily for Bill to fix his face)
-Shaq then dunks the ball so hard after backing Russell down that the entire hoop comes crashing down onto Russell nearly ending his life.
- He spends 4 months in a hospital for a broken back and a bunch of other injuries.
- Shaq wins by default.

The moral of the story is this: Things that took place in the 50's or 60's usually hold no relavance to today, especially in sports. Bill Russell was one of basketball's greatest players in his day but he couldn't stop Brain Scalabrine from scoring now let alone Shaq. If Shaq played in 1965 it would have been similar to the movie The Green Mile. Basically a monster doing whatever the hell he wants and possibly even eating people who crossed him.

Well folks, that is all the time I have to answer your questions. If you have any other issues that you would like me to solve then feel free to email me at tdphaneuf@yahoo.com. Have a nice night.