From a Traditional Life to a Radical Feminist

Born into a very religious Mormon family, I was taught to accept very traditional gender roles. Early on, I believed these roles to be normal and with the reinforcement from the religion and church activities, I was further influenced to follow and perpetuate them. My father worked and my mother stayed at home. My father had a lot of freedom to do as he pleased and was in complete control of the finances. My mother was sick and miserable a lot. She had no say in how my father spent money and was always stressed with how she was going to be able to provide her children with the things we needed. I witnessed first hand, the double standard that is the traditional marriage and family structure. My mother had no power and was relegated to raising children and keeping a house. They had no relationship beyond sex- My mother was expected to participate, but her needs were never met. Her role in life and sex was controlled and dictated by the patriarchal belief system that existed at the time within society and the church they attended. She was second to the man or men in her life. Men had the power and the control.

I was, also, the only girl of four children. The idea that men were more important in life was further perpetuated by the difference between how I and my brothers were raised. They were never expected to learn how to cook or do dishes-I was. They went places with my father, and were signed up for soccer and golf, whereas I was signed up for ballet. I hated ballet. I wanted to take soccer like my brothers. When I asked why I couldn't take golf with my brothers I was told-"because you are a girl and they are boys".

As I got older, I started to see how differently my brothers and I were raised. My questioning of everything was borne out of sheer rebellion at first. I didn't want to end up like my mother-unhappy, ill, and powerless. I refused to go to church and refused to accept the idea that the most important roles in life for a woman are to be a wife and mother. I began to see the control for what it was-the need to control woman's sexuality and reproductive capabilities. All the lack of encouragement in and access to education and employment for women can all be blamed on this basic fact. I was being raised to be another powerless woman who had no self worth and could only reach her full potential when I married and had a zillion babies. My brothers could do anything that they wanted.

Most of the other students in this class have identified with the liberal feminism perspective. Where I do understand where they are coming from-that men and women should receive equality through legislation and the removal of all the obstacles women face when deviating from traditional roles- I do not believe that this alone will address the root of the problem. Our society is patriarchal. A man's perspective and life experience is more valued than a woman's. A man's norm is the social norm. And, by merely paving a path to allow women to participate in this patriarchal world, we only help women who have lives that are similar to a man's life-free from familial responsibility. Most women have a family in need of their attention and care. Legal equality does not help them. Our society must embrace the exclusive needs of women and address empowering them to pursue whatever they want to become. A woman's role should not be in relationship to the needs of men in her life-wife, mother, and daughter-but should be distinctive and unique in relationship to men. Women are not just to be something for men, but to contribute to society in their unique and incomparable way. The patriarchal structure will not allow this, and short of restructuring society more conducive to a woman's experience, women will always be struggling to achieve the kind of success that men achieve.

The only advantage of my gender socialization that I can think of is that I, now, know what I do not want myself or my life to be. On the other hand, I experience disadvantages to my gender socialization every day. I constantly struggle with what I refer to as my childhood brainwashing. For instance, I criticize myself if I do not behave how a woman should behave and I am nervous and apprehensive about being assertive with my needs because I was taught that that is being selfish. When I was a young girl, my conduct as a young woman was severely scrutinized. I could not do anything that would eventually compromise the appearance of my virtue. My skirts were to be below my knee. I could not wear make-up. I could not date. I was only to read and watch religiously influenced material.

In retrospect, it was as if my value as a human being was correlated to my virginity and if it was lost, (whether it was due to my actions or forced upon me), my value and worth would be lost. As I got older and went to college, I learned how insane that is. America's religious culture to a certain extent still believes this, though. Girls who have more than one sexual partner are stigmatized, men who do, are just being boys.

I believe that the only reason this philosophy evolved was out of men's insecurity regarding knowing for sure if their children are really theirs. Since the invention of private property, men wanted to know for sure that the children inheriting their fortunes and property are legitimately theirs. So the age(s) of oppressing women controlling their sexuality began.

When I was younger, the men I knew, knew that they were more important than me. In the religion I was raised in, they were the only ones who could be bishops, they were 'heads of the household' and their opinions were the only ones that counted. Women were never consulted. They were to keep the house and have kids.

I believe that modern religion and patriarchy work together to further subjugate women by ignoring women's unique experiences, invalidating their views and opinions, and enforcing the idea that women have to marry and reproduce to gain status and validity.

Now, I believe that I don't need a man in my life no matter what I do. If I want to have a baby then I should be able to have a baby. I need not be relegated to being married or being with a man. I can be single, 22 or 62 years old. I can be married to man or a woman. I can be completely committed to NOT committing to any one person. The experience is mine. As a woman, part of my existence is the experience of having or not having a child and I have to choice as to what I will do with my life-not religious dogma or patriarchal dictates.

I see patriarchy set up all around me as a way to make sure that women are kept because men NEED women. For sex, for reproducing, etc. Patriarchy has been created so that men can have what women already inherently had. Our culture has devised a way so that women DO need men-for their income, for creating the kind of family that our culture and modern religions have decided are so important, etc. But to me, women don't NEED men. We might want them in our life because they are great and unique in their own way, but we don't NEED them. Patriarchy has convinced us that we do.

My race (Anglo-Saxon), I believe, has aided me and made it easier for me to be heard and to pursue my goals. Although I have faced the obstacle of being a woman, I have not had obstacles related to race. I imagine that it is increasingly harder to pursue dreams and to deviate from social norms, not only as a female, but also, as a minority. However, all women experience the same patriarchal oppression in their life. All women share the effects of this double standard. Women are more similar among races than we think that we are.

Fundamentally, as a radical feminist who came from a traditional family structure, I have discovered that the traditional structure has its own problems and that just because it is the norm or ideal, it is not the best environment for a woman to pursue her full potential as a human being. I have chosen to marry, but my husband is not Christian and we have a very egalitarian relationship. He does the cooking, I do the laundry. He works at home and so, therefore, does 99 percent of the housework. I can't remember the last time that I did the dishes. I work outside of the home while I, also, pursue my degree. We have no plans for children as we are both focused on careers and personal growth. At the same time I have learned to recognize that men and women are different and our needs are different. As much as a traditional lifestyle limits women, it also limits men. Men are forced into a role as much as women are. By eliminating the hierarchal power and importance that men have been given through patriarchy and by freeing up social expectations of both sexes based on the patriarchal structure, both men and women will be freer to reach their full potential.