Fun with Asian Food

When I was a kid, I had this conversation in elementary school:

White kid: Where are you from?
Me: Milpitas.
White kid: No, where are you REALLY from?

It's like I was an alien or something...

Even more annoying than that, was the endless questioning about my "native" food.

"Do you eat dog?"
"Do you eat cat?"
"Do you eat babies?"

It's true that people in Asia do like to eat some adorable domesticated animals, but I didn't think that white people were superior to me in terms of having a tasteful appetite. I don't deny that Asians use the endangered species list as a menu, but don't White people do disgusting things too? Here's a few things off the top of my head: Serial killing, necrophilia, Holocaust, line dancing, slavery, Courtney Love, and cow brain as a delicacy. This is the same race of people, by the way, that considers curling to be a sport.

I have never consumed any kind of animal you would find in a Disney movie or family sitcom, but I will admit that some of them look more appetizing than the shit they serve in FDA-approved restaurants. It's all a matter of perspective, my friends. Think about it this way...what would you rather have, feline filet mignon or blue cheese dressing at the Castro?

It was all in good fun, though. They'd say I eat dog, I'd say they suck at math. I can't drive, they can't get into college. This stuff has a way of evening itself out.

In third grade, one kid asked me if I was hungry when we were watching 101 Dalmatians. I always wanted to get revenge on that fucker.

It's almost 15 years too late, but I finally figured out how to get back at him. This came to me in a dream.

Here's my idea. At the Asian supermarket, we have something that white people don't serve up at Safeway: aborted duck egg. It's not an egg, but it's not a whole duck. It's somewhere in between, in the purgatory of the egg cycle, so to speak.

What I would do, is buy 1000 of these aborted quacklings and dye them pink and blue. Then, when it was Easter season, I'd run around the Bay Area, planting these things at amusement parks, churches, Boy Scout meetings, schools, soccer fields, and anywhere else you can find a registered sex offender. When the big day comes, children everywhere would hunt down as many eggs as they can fit in their little baskets. Shells would start cracking and kids would be crying. For some reason I would find this hilarious.

There is so much funny shit you can do with aborted duck eggs! I'd break into Albertson's in the middle of the night and and sabotage the egg cartons. I'd infiltrate the candy department, too, with some chocolate-dipped aborted duck eggs that appear to be Cadbury Cream Eggs. Just imagine the look on little Billy Bob's face after realizing that he just bit into Donald Duck in the third trimester. At that point, I'd run up to the little tyke with a spoon and a salt shaker. That would be a Kodak moment for sure.

Imagine if fun-seeking teens replaced "egging" with "pre-ducking" on Halloween. The next morning, you would have Asian people licking the hoods of their cars, Pro-Lifers trying to give CPR, and little girls collecting free accessories for Veterinary Barbie.

Aborted duck eggs would be a big hit on Punk'd, wouldn't they? I'm sick of that "Let's have a waiter be mean" or "Let's make her think she caused a car accident" bullshit. I want to see Jessica Simpson believing that she's part duck, because she sat on a hen's egg and nearly brought it to life.

What about this idea for an episode? We infiltrate a terrorist cell, then convince one of the guys to carry out a suicide attack. We strap some fake explosives to his body and send him on his way. He bursts into the restaurant, expecting to find a group of startled civilians. However, he's greeted by the U.S. Army firing squad. BAM! Then, they take out his testicles with a spoon, apply some pastel paint, and save them for Easter!

We have to fight the domestic war, as well. So...we could do the same thing to the KKK! Organize a big KKK march. Have everyone don their bedsheets, whip out the shotguns and Jack Daniels, and head straight through New York City... right into a rap concert! I personally would want to see which side Eminem would be on. I haven't seen him dance nor seen the size of his penis, so I can't make a prediction.