Fun at the Pharmacy

Sorry kiddies. The title of this article was not "Fun with pharmaceuticals." If you misread, I apologize. These are tips on messing with the pharmacy staff. If they don't appreciate it, if these don't brighten their day, you never heard of me.

Face it. Trips to the pharmacy usually follow lengthy doctor's visits. Your stress level is high and sometimes you are in pain. One of my first AC articles was about my consternation at the pharmacy. I've since de-stressed and plotted my revenge the only way I know how, with laughter. Here are some fun things to do when you get your next prescription filled.

Ask non-sequitur questions
When the clerk asks, "Do you have any questions?" Ask them something totally off-the-wall like, "Yes. Who was the third President of the United States?" This actually got two clerks into a little debate at my local Publix. Sadly, the pharmacist refused to get involved.

When the young ladies came to the consensus that it was John Adams, I had to inform them that it was Thomas Jefferson. The lady working the register said, "I was never good at history. If you'd asked me about art or graphic design though…" I immediately interrupted her and asked, "Who painted Thomas Jefferson's official portrait." Yet another stumper for the art student.

Ask if it is "buy one, get one free" day
This one works well when the pharmacy is in a grocery store and there is a sale going on. Obviously, drugs are exempt, but don't let that stop you from asking. If you want to push it, try to give the clerk a coupon. Insist that they should honor the shampoo coupon for your medication.

I think I've over-used this one at Publix. The last time I asked a new clerk if it was "buy one, get one free" day, the "Barefoot-experienced" clerk in the background didn't bat an eye and chimed in with, "Don't forget to punch his frequent-buyer card." The newbie was really confused at that point. Especially when I started fishing in my wallet and telling her that it's a "buy 9, get the 10th free" card and I was up to seven. I thought the other clerk was going to fall down laughing.

Ask for a consult with the pharmacist
The law requires that the pharmacist answer any question you might have about your prescription. Some pharmacies even have a special window or area marked "Consult." Put on you best game face and be as serious as possible for this.

Treat the consult like a visit to the psychiatrist's office. Instead of questions about the medicine, start telling a long story about your traumatic childhood. "When I was five, my parents were killed in a car wreck" or "I'm having nightmares about chickens wearing tube socks. Could this be a sign of repressed memories of child abuse?" The look on the pharmacist's face is worth it. Trust me.

Dance
Use your pill bottles as a rhythm instrument and dance your way out of the store. This works best if you sing along, too. I recommend Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte. You remember this song from the end of the move Beetlejuice, don't you? "Shake, shake, shake, Senora." "Jump in the line, rock your body in time. OK, I believe you!" Nothing? OK, choose your own tune then. Be sure to shake your new maracas.

Here's to making your next trip to the pharmacy an enjoyable one. Live your life to the fullest, because a day without sunshine is like night. (You were expecting some pearl of wisdom?) Just go have fun. It cost nothing, but offers great return.

"You can talk about Cha Cha, Tango, Waltz, or de Rumba.
Senora's dance has no title. You just jump in the saddle.
Hold on to the bridle!"