Funeral Etiquette: Should You Go to Your Ex In-law's Funeral?
Why would someone want to go to their former in-law's funeral?
Maybe the desire to go stems from the fact that you knew them. I've seen this problem in my own family. Even though my parents have been divorced for almost twenty years, my father always wants to go to his former in-laws funerals because he once knew them.
Perhaps you were really close with your former in-laws and are sad at their passing. Besides your own feelings, when someone dies in your child's family you may want to be there for them even if you're uninvited.
Should you go to a former family member's funeral?
If you're close with someone and they die, then you should be at the funeral. But if you didn't stay close with them and only want to go to the funeral because you used to know them, then you need to consider the feelings of the biological family. If you're not on good terms with your ex and/or some of your former spouse's family, then you may want to consider honoring that person's memory by staying home. Do you really want to upset the family with your presence?
If you have kids, you may want to consider their feelings. Seeing their parents together, on top of the loss of a loved one, could send them some mixed signals.
A funeral isn't a time to make amends.
Whatever your reason for wanting to be there, just be sure that your motive isn't a selfish one. If you're feeling badly for the way you've acted at some point in the past, a funeral isn't the time to corner someone and make yourself be heard. It also isn't the time to reconnect with people. Showing up to a funeral to see someone who is attending, when you don't care about the deceased, is disrespectful. Your effort may have been in vain if the person that you want to see feels that you don't belong there. It's great to be there for someone who is grieving, but don't let your own personal motives overshadow your judgment.
Published by Angelie MacKenzie
Was also on the 2007 Top 1000 List. Writing has been a passion for as long as she can remember. View profile
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6 Comments
Post a CommentGood article. I may be facing this dilemma myself, and it's good to get some perspective on it.
Great article! We too experience a similar situation. My husband was married briefly almost 30 years ago and does not get along with his ex however she showed up at his mother's funeral. He is an only child and was extremely upset. Funerals are for FAMILY. If you are an ex, you are no longer family. If you feel your child(ren) need support, obviously they will have their other parent. If you remained close to the deceased, honor them by not causing their children distress. If you feel you must go, pay your respects and leave!
I agree 100% with this article. My husband's ex wife showed up when my husband's brother died. She is an alcholic/drug addict and this is why the marriage did not work among other things. When she showed, it upset the deceased children, my husband, and my mother-in-law. She had been in contact with the family, but her presence was not welcomed. She was always hanging on to someday getting back with my husband. Not happening! I hope she stays home next time. This was the 2nd funeral she has made a scene at.
My sister-in-law passed away, and my husband ex-wife and husband attended the wake. The ex-wife has not had contact with the family member in 41 yrs. Her children has not contact with their Aunt and Uncle for year and a half. Why does this ex-wife and husband show up at wake after being divorced for 41 yrs. My husband who is now deceased was the brother. No one knows why she and husband showed up. They had to drive and hour and a half to get to the wake. The children are 48 and 50 yrs. old.
Great article!Also people should remember that even if you cared deeply for the deceased, the funeral is the time for the family to grieve and have some closure, if you are going to upset someone with your presence i.e. your ex, you should not go.
so many people do have to deal with this situation more and more with the divorce rate so high..this is a great article..