Funerals: What Not to Say

The attendance of funerals and visitations often make people feel nervous or anxious not only because someone has died but also due to the fact that sometimes you don't quite know what to say. As you stand in line getting closer and closer to the family your palms might start to get a little sweaty. Your heart speeds up as you mentally prepare what you are going to say.

Many people who attend funerals have pat statements they use over and over. Others may say things they have heard repeated or just stumble around trying to find the right words. In any case it can be an awkward moment.

As a Registered Nurse previously employed at a local Hospice, I have had quite a bit of experience in talking with people who have suffered loss. Hopefully, the following list of what not to say will give you some guidance the next time you attend a funeral or visitation .

"He is in a better place". The fact is the loved one is gone. As Christians, we mourn when we lose a love one not because we don't feel they are in a better place but because we feel the intense pain of separation.

"It was God's Will". Hearing that it was God's Will does not take away the pain of losing a loved one. The loved one might feel it was God's Will but irregardless they are hurting very much and this statement does not indicate that you understand the depth of their pain.

"At least now he is not suffering". If the person who died has had an extended illness this statement becomes repeated much too often. The deceased may not be suffering but the person standing before you is.

"Time will make this easier". It is true that time will lessen this hurt; however, right now time has not passed and the hurt is unbearable. Right now the pain in this moment is what is felt, not a time in the distant future when the pain will be lessened.

Although all the above statements might have a place in the loved ones reasoning they are not beneficial at this time. Only if the loved one makes such statements first is it then appropriate to agree with them.

"I know how you feel". You cannot possibly know how that person feels. Even if you have lost a loved one or even if this loved one was very special to you does not mean that you know how they feel. Only that person knows how the loss is affecting them due to their own relationship with the lost loved one.

"Is there anything I can do" or "Is there anything you need"? This question begins to get monotonous as many people ask this and it requires the loved one to think about you along with repeating themselves over and over. Rarely will a loved one tell you what you can do to help or what they need. Instead of asking, just do anything to help later that might be beneficial such as bringing by a meal or transporting a child or an elderly person somewhere.

Another thing to remember is not to be more emotional than the one who has lost the loved one as that puts the loved one in a position of consoling you. That is not the reason you are there. You are there to demonstrate you care by honoring the memory of their deceased loved one.

In knowing what not to say, you may now wonder what you should say. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. A heartfelt hug or handshake goes a long way. Just squeezing their hand and letting them know you are there demonstrates that you care. If silence is hard for you than simply say:

I don't know what to say.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Nothing I can say will be sufficient at this time.

I will be thinking about you.

You are in my prayers.

I am so sorry.

It was a lovely service.

The music was beautiful.

The flowers are lovely.

I thought so much of ___________.

I hope this information will help make this awkward time less awkward. Although none of us like having to attend such events, as we age increased attendance at funerals becomes necessary. This information is something we could all benefit from knowing, except of course on the off chance that the only funeral we attend is our own.