Funniest Graduation Quotes

Spring is in the air. Baseball season has begun. Lawnmowers are taken out of storage, dusted off, and fueled up. Along with the blossoming of trees and flowers, the return of songbirds, and the generally chipper mood found in most people, comes a darker side to spring. Yes I am referring to the dreaded college graduation speech's. A rugby playing north-wood's lumberjack would rather sit through Swan Lake than be stuck in a folding gymnasium chair listening to some pompous self-promoting "honorary" graduation speaker. Heck he would rather put on a fuchsia leotard and perform in Swan Lake. My undergraduate ceremony featured a sitting Governor whom I had voted for. After his discombobulated rambling, I was trying to determine if he was on something or was just a horribly disorganized speaker. In any event I vowed to never vote for him or his party again. I caved and still vote for his party. My graduate ceremony featured a state representative who spent the better part of forty minutes giving a campaign speech for one of her friends. Needless to say I vowed never to vote for either of them. I have not caved. Fortunately for some graduation ceremony attendees not all speakers are bad. In fact some are down right entertaining. These individuals make you forget that you are sitting in a folding chair in a stifling hot unventilated gymnasium. These speakers deserve more than a solid round of applause. They deserve more than a rousing standing ovation. They deserve knighthood. Of course here in the USA we do not knight people. But if we did they and the guy who invented the cheese in the spray can would top the list. Lets look at some memorable college graduation quotes.

To start I have divided the following quotes into two categories. First those that are just plain funny. They make you laugh and nothing more. The second are those that are not only funny but also provide a lesson. Lets look at a few of each.

First lets look at some just all around funny quotes. Remember, these people are speaking to individuals who just spent at least four years, often times longer, working for a piece of paper which holds the promise of something better. Keep that in mind as we look at the first few.

" A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep". W.H. Auden, poet and writer. Of course today students don't fall asleep in class, as they did in Auden's day. No , today they are to busy texting friends or listening to their mp3 as the professor speaks.

"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught." Ambrose Bierce, journalist. Bierce wrote this at the turn of the twentieth century. Imagine his shock if he were to witness the spectacle that is NCAA basketball where most of the players do not even know the words morality and philosophy exist.

"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshman bring in a little; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates." A. Lawrence Lowell, educator, historian past president of Harvard University. Sounds a bit like congress.

"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents, They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child raising, they are unemployed." Erma Bombeck, author. Unemployed until those same graduates get married and have kids of their own. Then the grandparents become nannies since none of the graduates want to take time from their careers to actually care for their own children.

"Commencement speeches were invented largely in the believe that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated." Garry Trudeau, cartoonist, satirist. Obviously this is not as important of a consideration since the introduction of marijuana on campus.

"Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money." Gary Bolding, painter. An art major asking for money?

Now for some funny quotes that have meaning. Well at least I see some meaning. But I also prefer the commercials over most television programs.

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success." Robert Orben, magician and comedy writer. Ironic that society pushes for outside of the box thinking, yet those who do are put on sedatives and undergo required therapy sessions.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." Milton Berle, entertainer. Create a need, find a niche, make the impossible possible. Just look at the inventors of the pet rock if you don't believe this to be true.

"If you are fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." Vince Lombardi, legendary football coach. Great play on words from one of the worlds greatest motivators.

"It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick is to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock." Woody Allen, entertainer. Also , you should avoid falling in love with your adopted daughter.

For those of you attending a graduation ceremony this spring, good luck. To be on the safe side stash an mp3 player in your coat pocket just in case the speaker is not one of the above mentioned.