Funny Female Quotes from the Personal Ads

Since I wrote the article "Funny Male Quotes From The Personal Ads", it seems only fair that I should give equal time to the females as well. Their ads can be pretty amusing too. So here goes a few.....

"I am the kind of person that will try anything at all".
I'm sure she was referring to taking up tennis and/or golf, but the male mind will read something else altogether in that statement. I think she needs to re-word that.

"I am sixty years old and not dead yet".
I guess she's been having a hard time convincing people of the fact that she's still alive and kickin'. I agree with her though. It doesn't matter whether you're 18 or 80. If you still have your mind and you're still breathing, you still have those same feelings of wanting to love and be loved.

"I think I have a good sense of humor, but people say they don't get me".
I'm thinking she's either really strange, or a beyotch. One or the other.

"Looking for the rest of my life".
Isn't that cute? That could be the title of a book. She should write one.

"I'm a high maintenance drama queen looking for someone to have long conversations with".
Is she serious? Does she think there's a guy anywhere out there who will answer her ad? Maybe she just threw it out there to see who would respond.

"I'm told I'm vivacious".
I actually had to look that one up in the Webster's dictionary section. I thought I knew what it meant, but I wasn't sure. Which means that 99% of the male population won't know what it means either. I think she would have been better off using a different descriptive word.

I've never been married because I've never found a man as amazing and wonderful as I am".
Me thinks she thinks just a tad too much of herself. Might be why she's still being amazing all by herself.

"I would like to meet a man who is non-judgmental and doesn't hold a person's past against them".
I wonder how long her rap sheet is, and how many times she's been involved in a crime.

"I'm looking for a special sole-mate".
Hahahaha. Check out her spelling of "sole"-mate. "Sole" is the sole (bottom) of your shoe. She meant to say "soul", as in "soul searching" and such. Spelling is important. Use your spellcheck, ladies.

"I am a Christian lady and the Lord is first and foremost in my life. You can be second".
Problem is, the poor guy has a lot of competition with the first guy in her life. Most men may not be up for the challenge.

"Serious woman seeking a serious relationship with a serious man that is serous about life and relationships".
I could not believe this one when I read it. I think she was "serious" when she wrote this. She needs to find some synonyms.

"Seeking a rolling rock".
After reading her profile, she meant a "rolling rock" as in someone who is easygoing and rolls with the punches. Not the beer. My first thought was the beer. Most men will think of beer first too. Maybe a little re-wording would be in order.

"I had Gastric Lap-Band Surgery....."
I couldn't believe it when I read how this gal describes her journey with weight loss on her personal ad. Perhaps she should discuss something this deep on the third, perhaps the fourth, date. Not right up front in her personal ad. Geez. TMI, baby, TMI.

"I'd like to meet a man who doesn't drink everyday".
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this chick has had a few alcoholic men in her life. Her goals are commendable. I hope she finds what she's looking for.

"I'm not looking for a Sugar Daddy. I have everything I need, thank you. And if there is something I need or want, I have enough money to buy it for myself".
Wowee! File this one under "the lady doth protest too much".

"Live, Love, Laugh" (or some variation of the three)
Just about every fifth or sixth personal ad put out there by women has these three words somewhere in it. Ladies, try to be more original. Don't repeat what all the other girls are saying.

"I am looking for someone who will treat me better than his truck or his hunting dog".
Who wants to take bets that her last beau treated his truck and his hunting dog better than her?

"I am an extremely affectionate and touchy-feely kind of woman who really gets into her man".
I think she thought this was the escort ads and not the personal ones.

"I am the mother of five children, ages two to thirteen. Looking for a man who loves children".
Is that the understatement of the year or what?

"I am a shy person at first, but give me a few, and I'll be okay from then on".
A few drinks? A few words? A few bucks? What exactly does she mean by this? Probably drinks, so this seems to be an invite to get her drunk.

"Looking for a man who will treat me like I'm a delicate flower and help me bloom to beauty".
Do you think there's a man on the face of the planet who will jump at this ad? Just a bit too florally for most men.

"I was co-dependent about five years ago, but now I'm independent".
Say what?? is what most men will say when they read that sentence.

"Looking for a man to do life with".
Now this is a woman who says it like it is. No flowery words. No famous quotes. Just a bold and outright statement. Maybe being direct is what all these women online should do. That way there is no miscommunication. Good luck, ladies, on your search for Mr. Right!