Funny Insults Galore: Gags, Zingers, Insult Jokes (ugly Jokes, Fat Jokes, Moron Jokes, Etc)

You ever wish you could come up with a snappy comeback to shut up that jerk at the office? Ever wish you could come up with clever zingers to impress the girls? Ever wish you could be the life of the party with clever jokes? Well, here are some of the BEST of the best insult jokes for every occasion! That's right --ugly jokes, stupid jokes, fat jokes, etc. etc... only the best and funniest insults, gags, and jokes, all here for your amusement! The insults are divided into different categories below... so check it out, and you too can be the life of the party!

DUMBELLS, IDIOTS, MORONS...

He has a strange growth on his neck-- his head.

She's like yesterday's coffee -- a little weak in the bean.

He's the world's greatest proof of reincarnation-- no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime.

He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.

He has one of those mighty minds -- mighty empty.

He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap.

There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally.

The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains.

If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM!

He's so dumb he bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister.

A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me?" And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up?"

He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't know what to feed them.

He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese!

When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwhich?" he said "Let's see the sandwhich."

He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't honorable to sleep with a married woman.

He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it's no use -- his dog can't read.

He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn't know if his teeth are AC or DC.

He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say, "Let's grab his seat when he gets off."

FEATURES...(ugly, fat, skinny, etc.)

Looks aren't everything; in her case, they aren't anything.

He has a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy.

There's only one trouble with his face-- it shows!

He should join the Ku Klux Klan -- he would look a lot better with a hood over his head.

She's not exactly bad looking. There's just one little blemish between her ears-- her face.

She's had her face lifted so many times, she talks through her nose.

She looks like a million -- every year of it.

He has so many chins, you can't be sure of which one he's going to talk out of next.

Even her double chin has a double chin.

He has such a big mouth, he can sing a duet all by himself.

He goes to the dentist twice a year. Once for every tooth.

He has a Roman nose. It roams all over his face.

His teeth are like the Ten Commandments-- all broken.

She has so many wrinkles, she has to screw her hat on.

He has wavy hair-- it's waving goodbye.

Barbers don't charge him for cutting his hair-- they charge him for searching for it!

He takes vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, and still looks like H.

He has a big heart, and a stomach to match.

She's so ugly, at a Christmas party they hung her and kissed the mistltoe!

When she walked down the aisle with her groom, they had to walk single file.

JERKS, BRAGGARTS, EGOTISTS...

He always wants to be the center of attention. When he goes to a funeral, he's sorry he isn't the corpse.

He's one of those big shot executives who has to have two desks -- one for each foot.

He knows when an idea is good -- when it's one of his own.

Success hasn't changed him a bit. He's still the same stinker he always was.

He's such a big gun in the office, they're planning to fire him!

She has two nose specialists - one for each nostril.

He gets carried away with his own self-importance. The trouble is, not far enough.

At work he dines with the brass -- they don't trust him with the silver.

He's the kind of guy you'd really like to run into sometime -- when he's walking and you're driving a car!

He hasn't been himself lately. Everyone has noticed the improvement.

He's good for people's health. When they see him coming, they take long walks.

He's a man of few words. Trouble is, he keeps repeating them.

Everyone confuses him with a hockey player. They tell him, "You stink on ice!"

He's a nice guy -- a nice guy to stay away from!

He's a legend in his own mirror.

He never hits a man when he's down -- he kicks him.

He's like a Christmas tie -- loud and useless.

He has a waterproof voice. No one can drown it out.

Success hasn't gone to his head -- just to his mouth.

He's a real carefree guy - he doesn't care as long as it's free.

He's a man of rare gifts. It's rare when he gives one.

When he donates money to charity, he likes to remain anonymous - so he doesn't sign his name on the check.

Money means nothing to him. When you ask him for money, you get nothing.

He always takes his dates to a French restaurant - Jacque in the Box!

He's such a tightwad, he won't even spend the time of day.

When he takes a dollar bill out of his pocket, George Washington blinks at the light.

BOOZERS

He only drinks to steady himself. In fact, sometimes he gets so steady he can't move.

If there's a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.

He believes in a balanced diet -- a beer in each hand.

When he donates blood to the Red Cross, there's so much alcohol in it, they use it to sterilize the instruments.

On his last birthday, with just one breath, he lit all the candles on his birthday cake.

When he returns from lunch, he's so loaded they make him use the freight elevator.

He's such a drunk, he's been nominated for the Alchohol of Fame.

The only exercise he ever gets is hiccupping.

The way liquor makes him fly, bartenders are asking him to land some other place.

LOSERS...

In Las Vegas, he even loses money on the stamp machines.

He bets on horses just for laughs. So far, he's laughed away his bank account and his car.

He saved for years to buy an unbreakable, waterproof, shockproof watch - and lost it.

He's a real Don Juan with the ladies... the ladies Don Juan to have anything to do with him!

He's money mad... he's never had any money, and that makes him mad.

He always takes his salary to the bank. It's too small to go by itself.

He's selling furniture for a living - his own!

He's one guy who has ulcers without being a success.

No one can call him a quitter - he's always been fired from every job he's had!

He's standing on his own two feet - his car's been repossessed.

He's the only person on record who used saccharine and ended up with artificial diabetes.