Funny Nursery Rhymes and Jokes

Nursery Rhymes
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating his Christmas, he put in his thumb, and pulled out an apple, and said, "what is this doing in my plum pie?"

Humpty dumpty sat on the wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men, had scrambled eggs for breakfast again

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her keards and whey, along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and she ate that too

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead, now it goes to school with her, between two slices of bread

Jokes
Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday?
A:Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Yo momma is so fat, she eats wheat thicks.

Yo momma is so fat, she can't tie her own shoes.

Yo momma ain't so bad, she would give you the hair off her back.

Yo momma is so bald, I can see what she is thinking

Yo mommas glasses are so think, when she looks at a map she see people waving

Yo momma is so poor, her face is on a food stamp

Yo momma is so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared

Q:What do you do when a blond throws a pen at you?
A:Run, she has a grenade in her mouth

Q:How do you measure the IQ of a blond?
A:Put a tire pressure gage in her ear.

Q:How many blonds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Two, one to get the ladder and the other to call for dad.

Q:What is blond and has three teeth?
A:Third shift at the Waffle House.