Furious George Attacks Owner: Pet Monkey Business

However, this well accepted fact does nothing to explain the alarming trend of people owning monkeys as surrogates for children. Of course the ensuing pandemonium and inherent hilarity of the inevitable monkey hi-jinks that occur when people decide to raise a monkey in their home is just too much for any sane non-monkey owner not to be pleasantly amused even when a violent tragedy occurs.

As the world already knows, On February 16th, 2009, the owner and neighbor of a pet monkey was attacked and the chimp had to be shot after it also attacked two police officers. I can't wait to hear the 911 call. According the article today on Yahoo News, Travis, a 15 year old monkey "was toilet-trained, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine. He also brushed his teeth with a toothbrush, logged on to a computer to look at pictures, and watched television using a remote control, police said. Travis had appeared in adverts for Coca-Cola and Old Navy clothing. "

Allow me to translate. An alcoholic, Internet porn surfing monkey finally got sick of smiling for the camera to sell crappy clothes and carbonated beverages.

Imagine it if you will. Monkeys in your house. Monkeys in your living room. Monkeys on the swing. Monkeys throwing poo at you. Monkeys in baby cribs. Monkeys dressed up like little children.

To good to be true you scoff. Perhaps the plot of a new sitcom on Fox?

No, sadly, this is for real. This is inexplicable jackassery that can only occur when government subsidized anti-psychotic medication is not readily available to the masses to pop like Pez from a Unabomber Pez dispenser.

Over 150,000 pet monkeys are currently living in private homes in the United States. You can buy a monkey. Raise a monkey as a child. Entire websites devoted to raising monkeys. Monkey self-help books. Monkey diapers.

Have you every wondered what it would be like to have a monkey living in your house? Thanks to ABC, the entire world can now know what it is like to have their own pet monkey.

So here's how it goes. Say you are lonely. Maybe you want to have a child or maybe you want to have a child that never gets older than 2-years old. Here is what you do. Find someone to sell you a monkey for roughly $3,000 to $8,000 and go to a site such as http://petmonkeyinfo.com/obtainmonkey.html and you can learn everything you ever wanted to learn about raising your own monkey child.

I recently saw a pet monkey owner interviewed the other day and here is how it went as a crazed monkey owner (CMO) sat on a swing with a drooling monkey dressed up as a little girl being interviewed by an equally insane journalist (EIJ):

EIJ: "So you have a pet monkey, what do you want the world to know about monkeys?"

CMO: "Monkeys are just like humans, they share 99.5% of their DNA with us."

EIJ: "Is the monkey part of your family?"

CMO: "Yes, Regina is our child. She eats at the table, has her own room, has emotions like any other child and is just a blessing to our lives."

EIJ: "Is it hard to raise a monkey?"

CMO: "I won't lie, it's not easy it is a 24 hour job just like raising any child, but when I see her eyes light up, it's worth every struggle we've had to make."

EIJ: "What do you do with the monkey?"

CMO: "We take her to the park. She really loves McDonaldsso we take her their often in the car and get her a Happy Meal. We cuddle, we laugh, and we do everything a normally family would do."

EIJ: "So Regina lives in the house with you?"

CMO: "Yes, she has her own room. She is very expensive as it costs about $20,000 to care for her and to fix the damage she makes in the house?"

EIJ: "Why is Regina drooling?"

CMO: "Well...we had to remove her teethbecause one day she thought I was going to take her Twinkie and she attacked me. Ripped out my hair and required 68 stitches."

EIJ looks suddenly somewhat nervous and backs away from monkey.

EIJ: "Oh...are monkeys dangerous?"

CMO: "Not always, but they can get frustrated and mischievous at times. Removing her teeth was just a precaution. Some owners have their fingers removed also, but that is just barbaric and I will never do that."

EIJ: "Do you have any other injuries?"

CMO: "Yes, you can see the scars here on my arm, my neck, my hands, and my thigh."

Are you f--ngkidding me? I don't even know where to start. I had to turn the TV off so my head wouldn't explode. If this lunatic wanted to have this type of enjoyment out of life why didn't she just get a lion for a pet, or maybe a grizzly bear? She could even get a 30-foot anaconda for the living room, put some scorpions in the cupboards, and invite a serial killer over for dinner and for good measure put some crocodiles and a shark in the pool. Hell, why stop there get some nuclear waste and put it in the microwave and a give a loaded revolver to the drooling monkey.

I have a message that somehow must reach this deranged monkey owner and others that are contemplating such similar insanity. That message is, to loosely paraphrase the great Chris Rock: "That monkey didn't go crazy, that monkey went monkey!"