Gail Sheehy, Seasoned Women and Me

Recently, I attended a presentation by Gail Sheehy, based on her new book, "Sex and the Seasoned Woman." Meant to be read by those 45 and over, it debunks many of the myths about what life is like for women age 50 and beyond. And since turing 50 myself recently, I have to agree, this ain't my mother's midlife!

Sheehy admitted that when she wrote her groundbreaking book, "Passages," she did not write much about women over 50 years of age. Contemporary wisdom at that time led society to think "what could possibly happen after 50?" However, as a baby boomer herself, Sheehy now realizes that that from age 30-50 we are only in our "first adulthood,' and at 50 we have become "marinated in life," which is just preparation for what is to come. It is an area no generation of women has tread in before. Women from their late 40s onward are seeking mastery of their lives, and as Sheehy points out in the book, that includes their sexual lives.

Sheehy interviewed hundreds of women across the country to write this book, which while tantalizing in its title, is more about teaching women to "live passionately" and how sex in midlife relates to that. Her talk was fascinating, both humorous and thought provoking. With the current life expectancy for women hovering at 79, it makes sense to realize there is a whole lot of living that takes place after 50. In fact, women are more likely to reach a major life goal in their 50s and 60s. The mast majority of divorces that occur after age 40 are initiated by women, most because they cannot imagine living the second half of their lives with a choronic abuser, chronic alchoholic or chronic adulterer.

Sheehy calls women in this phase of life, as living the "passionate life" - and that includes new interests, renewing of old interests, and for many, and active romantic life. Her book goes in great detail about women "thinking and doing things never imagined" by our mothers and grandmothers. Women currently age 41-60 represent 1/2 of the 78 million babyboomers - still a powerful economic and political demographic.While Madison Ave. still looks at the 18-35 age range as the driving force of advertising, the reality is, this large group still controls most of the spending. Expecting them to "step aside" and go sit in a rocking chair in Florida just isn't going to happen.

I am a legitimate part of the baby boom. But, while I may have been invited to join the AARP, but I really don't see it as an organization for me, as I see a real divide between the aging baby boomers and the seniors that preceeded them - the current 70 and 80 year olds. Even the name doesn't fit, I wonder actually how many current members of the Association of Retired Persons are really retired - and how many of those in the next wave of members will EVER retire.

There are those who use this time of life to transition into more meaningful work, embracing the interests and talents that many have been put aside until now. Much of what I see in print concerns well-off, highly-educated people, who after spending 30 or 40 years in the corporate world, now have nice nest eggs to fall back on. Starting a business or becoming a consultant is a viable option for them as they enter the second, or third chapter of life. In one of these articles, the author bragged about how he was done with the nice house, nice car, and nice vacations - he's been there, done that.

But, for some of us, and I suspect more of us than these articles would like to admit, being 50 in today's world doesn't mean reaching some sort of golden career milestone. For a woman like me, who has large child-rearing gaps in her resume, and huge debts left over from years of raising children as a divorced mother, 50 may only be the halfway point in my worklife. The reality of still trying to catch up, still trying to "get somewhere," means that many of us will never retire - never have the luxury of starting second careers or pursuing old interests. Not as a replacement to the 9-5, anyway. Our mortgages and debt will surely outlive us - a fact that leads me to understand why my father used to say, many years ago, that he was worth more dead than alive.

Today's reality is that the over 50 worker still needs to think about paying down debt, keeping health insurance in force, and saving money for "someday." Not too different than the 30 year old worker who may find herself still working in her primary career until 80. And yet, as Gail Sheehy so poignantly pointed out, we wouldn't trade it for going back to being 35 or even 40. Becoming a "seasoned" woman means accepting the place you are at, and moving forward from there.