Gambling Tips

Most of my gambling junkets consisted of short trips to the Biloxi boat casinos, and since it looks like I'm never going back there for obvious reasons, I will pass on some of the lessons I learned in those too-brief excursions.

1. Never bring a small amount of money thinking that you can always go to the oh-so-convenient ATM that casinos now have around every corner. Only take as much money as you think you can spare in betting. Once you start the ATM trips, all of your bank accounts are slowly siphoned off as you figure that eventually you will win something and be able to replace it all. NEVER go to the ATM while gambling.

2. Never bring more than you can afford to lose. Let's face it, you will lose it all. If you get lucky, you will buy T-shirts with part of it, and then lose the rest. Don't bring the rent money thinking that surely that is enough to cause you to win big. Only bring your actual disposable income.

3. Watch the weirdos. Casinos are infamous for the weirdos, con men, and a host of people trying to pry you from your money. Hang onto those big change cups, because there will be people there watching to see who will put theirs down for a few moments.

4. Be one of the weirdos. Not to steal or con anyone, just to be a weirdo. No one knows you there, treat it like Halloween.

5. Don't pay for drinks. As long as you are gambling, you are entitled to free drinks at most casinos. They will also have one or more bars, but you actually have to buy the drinks there. Why do that when they are free only steps away? You will have to tip the cocktail waitress, though, but it is ok to tip in change and/or chips.

6. This one will likely not come up for you, but if it does, you'll be ready. If you happen to get a bunch of quarters from the cashier, and then go around betting with them, and one just will not fit into the quarter slot on a machine, it is a counterfeit quarter. The lesson here is actually twofold: if you can help it, get your money changed at a bank, and not at the casino, and, if you get a funny quarter, it is in fact counterfeit, and you should throw it away. You should not go to the cashier and ask why they gave you a defective quarter. This will result in security immediately being called, and you will waste at least half an hour of your trip trying to explain to huge security guards that it would be insane for you to travel from out of state in order to bet one counterfeit quarter, which you then immediately turn yourself in for doing. Eventually they will listen, but it can be scary there for a few minutes.

7. Don't play poker. In every casino I've ever been in, you have to wait around to play poker. Either the tables are full, or no one else wants to play and you have to wait around for someone to play against. It's boring. There are no flashy lights, and no bells go off if you win anything. Stick to slots unless you are the serious, study-the-odds-books sort of gambler. Slots make neat noises, and it takes a whole lot longer there to spend that disposable income.