Gay Speed Dating in New York

My little Mexican heart desires that special someone in my life to share events with, holidays, and watch Ugly Betty. All I want is someone to buy me chocolates this valentines (even though I won't eat them since they are not on the South Beach Menu). Is it too much to ask for someone to call me to ask how my day was? (except during Oprah, CSI, Law and Order SVU or the Golden Girls) I want to have romance blossom right before my eyes so my heart can sing those special love songs like: "Smack That" or "I'm in love with a stripper." Instead, the following happens.

Joe: (speaking at the speed of light as if he just smoked 3 rocks of crack) Hi, my name is Joe. I'm a Libra. I teach the 4th grade and I live in Jersey . Do you know where the Meadowlands are? I didn't think so. Does age matter to you? It doesn't to me, but just in case you were wondering, I am 40. What's your sign? I like to ride bikes and swim. I am not that close to my family since I came out, but I do have 2 cats, Chester and Melinda.

Nando: oh, well do you.....

Joe: Yeah, wait, I'm not done.....I am also allergic to shellfish and I do not, are you listening....I do not like red meat. My favorite season is Spring, I enjoy dancing, going to the gym, cooking, and I also like to cuddle.

The whistle blows.

Tyler the transvestite: Hi. (......silence.......)

Nando: uhm.....Hello. (......silence.......)

Tyler the transvestite: So do you do this often? (tossing his highlighted/streaked blonde hair back) (......silence.......)

Nando: uhm, no, this is my first time. (......silence.......)

The whistle blows.

Malcolm: (pulling out his list) Hi Nando, so will you please tell me what your ideal date in 4 words or less? Okay GO!

Nando: .....uhm, well, I guess.....

Malcolm: Oh, you've used up all 4 words, okay, let me tell you mine. You will pick me up at my house in Spanish Harlem, and you will bring me flowers. I really like roses and I think that when someone buys you roses it means you are special to them; although, I also like carnations. Then we will go to Central Park and hold hands while looking around enjoying all of Mother Nature and her beauty. Eventually we will end up at dinner, maybe something foreign, like Chinese, and then we will go to a movie or a play. Doesn't that sound nice? Do you want to go out on a.....

The whistle blows.

Larry the pervert: Hey there....are you Latino?

Nando: I'm Mexican.

Larry the pervert: Well, I always order out for Mexican....(cheesy car salesman laugh)

Nando: Oh..... You do?

Larry the pervert: Yeah, it's Hot and Spicy, if you know what I mean. (cheesy car salesman laugh plus a snort)

Nando: Larry what do you do?

Larry the pervert: Anything you want me to. (cheesy car salesman laugh, a snort, and a cough)

Nando: I see from the chains around your neck that you like gold.

Larry the pervert: Yeah, that's not the only thing I have that's 10 inches and hangs. (cheesy car salesman laugh, a snort, a cough, and a belch)

The whistle blows. (THANK GOD!)

Yes folks, I did it. I actually signed up for a speed dating event. I thought, why not? Let me explore all my options. Let me break the silence and say it loud, "I am dating again!" "Let me have another vodka tonic", I kept telling the bar tender at the event. There were a total of 12 men present. We were given a score card to keep track of the men, make notes, and choose either yes or no by their names. We would then rush home, log on, and enter our yes's or no's and wait for the results. The results could take up to 3 days to post, depending if the other people didn't post so soon. If you marked some one as a "yes" and they also marked you as a "yes" then you both would show up as a match and would receive an email letting you know. If you didn't match, you would get nothing but $37.00 worth of humiliation. As you all know, I'm not the judgmental type. This would be hard for me. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What if I ran into them on the street? They would know forever that I marked them as "no" in my mind, body, and soul.

What made me think I could attend a speed dating event and not walk out with mental trauma? I should've known by the brochure itself. "Attendance at any QuickieDate event is done so at your own risk. QuickieDate does not screen its participants. You must agree to waive all liability against QuickeDate in case anything really bad happens. We only accept cash and no refunds allowed." What do they mean "at your own risk?"

Nando: Cris, I have an emergency, I need to talk but you have to swear not to tell anyone!

Cris: I have an emergency too, so I can't talk.

Nando: Well my emergency is BIGGER. Let me tell you about it.

Cris: I CAN'T listen to you; I'm having a REAL emergency! My one-year old locked himself in the bathroom and I need to get him out.

Nando: Maybe he wants some alone time....what are you doing right now?

Cris: Trying to unlock the bathroom door with a credit card.

Nando: Can't you listen while you're doing that? I signed up for a speed dating event and I need your advice. And by the way, ever since you had the baby, your multi-tasking skills have significantly decreased.

Cris: ......click

I later received some clarification from my friend Lila through an email that she wrote me:

"Have you seen the Law and Order SVU episode about women who were violated after all 3 had met a guy at a speed dating thing because he was a control freak and these women were very independent and he did not like that? The actor who was the suspect was the one who played Laci Peterson's husband on the movie they did about Laci Peterson? Handsome actor, but the only times I've seen him on TV he plays the bad guy."

Moral of the story.

a. Speed dating sucks.

b. New moms are extremely clingy with their children.

c. Dean Cain's career has really plummeted.