Gay or Straight: How Do I Know What I Am?

When it comes to all things sexual, people turn to me for answers. After all, with a master's degree in human sexuality, who knows more about what we in the business call hoo-hoos, tallywhakers and the act of boinking than yours truly?

Yes, I'm asked questions about sex all the time. Questions like: "Does your wife actually sleep with you? And if so, how much do you have to pay her?" or "Are you gonna take your filthy hand off my thigh or am I gonna have to get the bouncer over here?" or my personal favorite: "Get the hell away from me you sick perv before I grab your nutsack and tie it around your goddamn neck!" OK, that's not a question, but I sure do hear that one a lot. But the question I aim to answer today is the one I'm often asked whenever I hang out in the Minneapolis Airport men's room: "How do I know if I'm gay or straight?"

First of all, there are no gay people-only confused people. That's right! We are all straight-part of God's plan to populate the planet with stupid people-so far, so good. But unfortunately some of us end up on the wrong path-a path that for many misguided souls leads to good fashion sense and even worse: priesthood.

But let's start at the very beginning. Even way back in the old Garden of Eden days, Adam-despite being the only man on earth-wasn't sure what to do with his caped crusader. Should he bang that chick over there with the apple or wait until the Big Kahuna makes another dude in his own image? Then Adam got one look at Eve's bat cave and he had it all figured out-took about two seconds and it was Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! Adam was officially straight. Then they had two sons, one of whom killed the other over-what else?-a broad who magically appeared one day. Well boys will be boys. But the good news is their parents taught them well and so the two young men were both straight and everything was wonderful. But somewhere along the road to current times, things got turned upside down and now we have brothers fighting over guys named Lance.

How the hell did that happen, you ask? The deterioration of family values, my friend. Just take a look back at the time when you were faced with the decision every guy has to make about his sexual preference. Remember when you first started going through puberty? Remember the first day of gym class? Remember shower time? Remember the confusion? Me neither-I wanted chicks the day I popped out of the womb, so it was never a problem for me.

But let's just suppose you were confused. Let's suppose you weren't sure which way you should go: Innies or outies? Now if you were raised properly in a good Christian home where you attended church every Sunday and were taught how to suppress your real feelings and pretend you're something you're not, the answer would be clear: Innies are where it's at! Then you'd have grown up, gotten married, had some kids, cheated on your wife with the pool boy, gotten a divorce and moved to San Francisco. Ah yes-the American Dream!

But what if you weren't raised properly? Suppose your parents were goddamn liberals? And suppose they were atheists? And suppose they never taught you what God wants you to be but instead said you should just do whatever makes you "happy"?-whatever the hell that means. Then there's a good chance you'd be confused and possibly-just possibly-your preference would be outies and you'd be on your way to spending eternity in hell.

Not that such confusion only happens in godless households. Sometimes even the most pious are led astray. Take Pastor Ted Haggard for instance-a good and decent family man who simply fell prey to the number one gay recruiter in the world-no, not Richard Simmons-the DEVIL! Poor Ted-through no fault of his own-thought he was gay and because of that, acted out in a manner that could only be described as...well...blowing a guy. Only the devil could make a good man like Ted do something so evil.

Thankfully, with the help of his dear, faithful wife, Ted went through a complete dehomofication process involving intense prayer sessions, brainwashing, and tons of denial. Now he is cured and back at the pulpit, once again teaching each member of the flock that, no matter how gay you may think you are, God wants you to park your crotch rocket inside your wife's hot pocket and nowhere else. And that's just what Ted's been doing! He's keeping Little Teddy away from masseurs named Mike Jones and he's back to bopping women named Mrs. Haggard. The devil has been defeated! Praise the Lord!

So to those of you wondering if you are gay or straight, there's your answer-you're not gay-nobody's gay-you're just confused. You simply need a little guidance.

And maybe a little dehomofication.