Gay Veterans, Celebrating in Silence

Every gay Army veteran has a basic training story. Most have several, but the ones that to me seem most significant are those that are about situations and not simply about training. I was fortunate, or maybe unfortunate, enough to have attended basic training twice. The first time was a year after high school, in 1987 and again, 13 years later, in 2001.

In 1987, at 18, I arrived at Ft. McClellan, Ala. I had no more an idea of Alabama than of what it meant to be gay. I would know a great deal about both by the time I left Ft. Carson, Colo., three years later in 1990. Oddly, the second time around was the easier. In 2001, heading off to Ft. Jackson I was older and, if not wiser, at least very aware of my sexual attraction to men.

I spent seven years on active duty in the Army and another six between the Army Reserves and in the New York State National guard. I moved on that time from an teenage private to 40-something sergeant. I had the unfortunate experience of discovering my sexuality after I was in the Army. It was the first night at what is referred to as the reception station. It was dark. It was cold. It was noisy and chaotic. It certainly wasn't receptive. After a lot of running around, about 40 of us guys were settled into bunks in an open bay (males and females trained and were housed completely separated). We were instructed that we would have an hour to lock up our belongings, shower and get to sleep. Welcome to the Army.

The showers were of the open variety, which is sort of ironic considering "open' is the last thing any gay person could be back then. Prior to 1992 and Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT), gays were prohibited form serving in the military. If I remember correctly along with a long list of questions about felonies, crimes, drug use, there was a direct questions about homosexuality on my recruitment application. I tried to avoid the showers, but it was not going to be possible. You see when you are "hiding" you are always worried that someone is "looking" and terrified that they will see that which you try to hide the most. It is hard, physically and mentally, to hide when you are bare in a shower. It is this hiding that makes honorable service almost impossible to maintain for the gay soldiers and difficult to be celebrated by the gay veteran.

I suppose that is the part that makes celebrating Veteran's day so difficult for me as a gay veteran. I know many who love the military service. I am one of them. I have served admirably, several times, in several units and positions. I have provided service both during war and in peace, Yet, knowing a great many would either I had not served, or at least served as I did "quietly" is a bit disheartening.

Sometimes going to the parades, concerts, and or programs in celebrations of service in which I was not completely honest seems disingenuous. It is service that by army definition (The 7 Army Values) is not honorable at all. The way to honor the military service of all veterans is to allow the honest expression of all soldiers when he or she is on active duty. I will probably spend the day at my local Veteran of Foreign War (VFW) post. I toast all my friends (gay and straight) who have served and I will drink my drink in silence, for now.