Genesis Chapter Six: Noah and His Ark

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

¹And the number of men on earth began to increase and several of them had daughters. Which is kind of a given, because of the increasing population, but the Bible likes to make some things very clear.

²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

² There are generally two interpretations to this line. The first one is there's a dividing line between the children of Seth and Cain. Cain's kids were mortal men, and were apparently a fairly miserable bunch, engaging in all sorts of practices that could generally be described as 'naughty'. The Sons of God were Seth's kids, grandkids and so forth and they were a pretty good bunch of guys, one of them being so good he got to take the express lane to paradise. Seth's kids were a far more holy bunch than the Cain descendants and may have even been divine in some minor way, mini-angels if you will, thus explaining their extended life span.

But the children of Seth found the females of the Cain line to be extremely hot and slutty so they tended to marry the bad girls of the Cain lineage rather than the good girls of the Seth lineage.

This first interpretation sounds good, but the second is far cooler. The "Sons of God" mentioned are actually fallen angels who are "getting it on" with mortal women, possibly the bad girls of the Cain club, but we're not certain. And from this union grows up a race of large, evil, magical humanoids called Giants in this bible and Nephilim in other places.

³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.

³ In the midst of all this fornicating, the LORD makes the following statement, "I'm not always going to fight with human beings, and just so you know, they're going to have a lifespan of a hundred and twenty years from now on. No more of the millennium stuff. It really slows things down when everybody lives for 900 years or so and I want to get this show on the road!"

⁴There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

⁴This is where we start talking about those Giants we mentioned earlier. As mentioned before, they were great big scary guys with strange powers. They were conceived when either Seth's kids or fallen angels got sexy with the wrong types of women. So be sure to practice monogamy with nice girls instead of catting it up with strippers or those drunk college girls you met on Spring Break. Else you could get sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and Giants! Though on the bright side, the giants you conceived would be powerful warriors who would be famous for their ability to kick a lot of ass.

⁵And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

⁵And God looked down from paradise where he was chilling with Enoch and saw that just about everyone on Earth was spending their time thinking about having sex with slutty women or killing each other.

⁶And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

⁶And the LORD was pretty upset about all this. Here he had gone to all the trouble to create humanity and they spent all their time being really nasty to each other. All that old Cain family stuff, lying, stealing and murdering, but on a much larger scale. And now there were all these Giants running around killing even more people.

⁷And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

⁷And the LORD said, "That is it! I go to all this bloody trouble to create them and the earth they stand on and they throw it all away. Well, cursing didn't work so now I'm just going to kill everybody. I'm going to kill the humans, the cattle, all the animals, and every creepy thing there is. They're all going to die!"

⁸But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.

⁸But the Lord really liked Noah, maybe because he reminded him of Enoch.

⁹These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.

⁹But there, amid all the strip clubs where the Cain girls hung out and the battlefields where the Giants and men killed each other, was one human being that God still liked. He was also the only child of Seth who wasn't currently up to his armpits in evil booty or killing people for their pocket change.

¹⁰And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

¹⁰And Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth, as was mentioned back in Chapter Five. It would seem Noah wasn't quite as fertile as his forbears for over the course of five hundred years he only managed to have three offspring.

¹¹The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.

¹¹The earth, or at least those bits of it humanity and those giants had spread to over the last ten thousand years, was a very nasty place, with lots of kinky sex and violence. And God had never been fond of either kinky sex or non-God-sanctioned violence.

¹²And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.

¹²And God looked upon the earth one more time, just to maker sure about all the sex and violence, and, yes, Earth was exactly the cesspool he thought it was.

¹³And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

¹³And God said to Noah, "Okay, I'm sick and tired of all this. All those damn children of Cain are running around screwing up my creation. Show you what you get when you try to be nice. Well I'm through being nice. I'm going to kill everybody!"

¹⁴Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

¹⁴ "But I've got something special planned for you Noah. Now get something to write this down with because these are your marching orders; First thing, make a boat out of gopher wood, a big one. Give it lots of rooms. Waterproof it with pitch, you know, that black gooey substance you use to stop leaks. Put it all over the outside and the inside. I want this Ark to be watertight!"

¹⁵And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

¹⁵"And this is how big it's going to be: I want it three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide, and thirty cubits high. What!? You want to know what a cubit it? It's the length of your forearm, Noah! Yes, YOUR forearm, is there someone else here I'm talking to?"

¹⁶A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.

¹⁶ "And you're going to put a window in this thing, but just one, we don't want any sinking going on from too many windows! And you're going to put a door in the side of this thing and I want three stories built in".

¹⁷And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.

¹⁷ "And once you've got that done I'm going to drown everybody! Yes, that's right! I will raise the waters and everything, every little thing, is going to drown! It's going to be pretty hard to have kinky sex while the oceans roll over you. Hope you had fun!"

¹⁸But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.

^18"But you've always played it straight with me Noah, so I'm going to do right by you. You, your wife, your sons and their wives, will be in this Ark and when the rains come down and you'll be safe from the flood".

¹⁹And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.

¹⁹"But here's the hitch: I'm not going to go back and create the animals all over again, so you're going to have to go and get two of every sort of animal, male and female, and put them into the ark with you".

²⁰Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

²⁰ "Now remember, I want you to get all the animals. I want you to get the birds, the cattle, and especially the creepy things. I've given your family ten thousand years to name all the creepy things and you still haven't gotten the job done. Maybe you can wrap it up while you're floating in the ocean eternal".

²¹And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

²¹"And don't forget the food! All those animals are going to need to eat something, and it can't be each other. That means fresh meat for the carnivores, which means you're going to have to pack more cattle than just the two. But try not to let the meat eaters eat where the mated pair can see them. That would just be tacky."

²²Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

²²And Noah, who had been very busy making notes this entire time, went and did as God told him to do, because you don't want to mess around with an all powerful somebody with a hankering for genocide.