Gentle Discipline: Alternatives to Spanking in the First Few Years

To spank or not to spank? It seems everyone is caught up in the debate and has their own opinion. Non-spankers know that there are alternatives to spanking and that you can discipline your child without striking them. Even those who do spank their children often say they do it as a last resort. How is it that some people avoid spanking even as a last resort, while others do not? Do they simply have more disciplinary tools under their belt? Obviously, the more methods you have on your list, the farther down it spanking will be. The best way to eliminate spanking is not to convince people that it is wrong but to teach them how to avoid situations in which they may the other ways of handling behavioral problems. There are so many methods of gentle discipline that one should never reach the bottom of the list, whether spanking is on it or not.

You should never punish a baby. They do not understand that their behavior is inappropriate or wrong, and they cannot be made to. They may be made to associate a behavior with an action, such as throwing food with being slapped; however, they learn nothing from this about appropriateness or morality. Do not expect a baby to behave as you want when you want. There is no way to teach a baby right from wrong. Punishing a baby is very cruel. Slapping a baby just makes her think you are angry with her, and she will not understand why. It will only hurt her heart and sting her skin. Withholding affection because she isn't obeying is certainly not acceptable. A baby needs to feel secure in her relationship with her parents, and building that relationship is the most important thing in the first year of life. Don't damage your bond by trying to start disciplining your child too early.

The only form of discipline that is acceptable for babies is redirection. When your baby or young toddler does something that he or she should not do, stop the behavior. If she is climbing into a cabinet, gently take her out of it. If he is touching something fragile or dangerous, just take it from him. Say "no" firmly but meanly, and use this word sparingly. Show your children, instead, what they can do. Give her a box to crawl into and play in. Give him a toy that he can touch. Babies and young toddlers don't know right from wrong. Telling them what they cannot do without showing them what they can do is completely pointless. They don't know and won't figure it out on their own. If you find yourself having to redirect about a certain behavior over and over, stop the child from doing that behavior. Put a lock on the cabinet, and put the knick-knacks up high until the child is no longer tempted by them.

As your baby becomes a toddler and develops a better understanding of language, more options for discipline become available. Your child will begin to understand what she is and is not allowed to do, though she will not always adhere to your principals of right and wrong. She may not yet understand why and is at an age where it is developmentally appropriate to push her boundaries. Redirection continues to be a valid disciplinary tool. If your child does something that she knows she is not supposed to do, you may chose to punish her. There are many methods of punishment besides spanking.

Short-term punishment will have more of an effect than long-term punishment for a toddler. A quick time-out, no more than 15 minutes, may have an impact. Take away a toy for 15 minutes. If your child enjoys TV, turn it off for 15 minutes until he starts behaving. Send her to her room for a little while. You can also create humorous, playful "punishments." If your child says a dirty word, try "Oohhhh, you said ____. Now you have to wash your mouth out with your ABCs and 123s!" Try tickling your child into a fit of giggles as a punishment for something. Make punishments educational, such as a few minutes of educational TV or even having your child draw a picture of how she could have better handled the situation. (Art is education!) Teach your children responsibility with their punishments by having them help you with a household chore. As children age, length of punishments can be increased, and more options will arise for taking away privileges and whatnot.

Do not deprive your child of food, love, exercise, or other necessities to punish him. The punishment should fit the crime, and there are no violations that are worthy of being hit. A child should always be given a warning and then told why he is being punished. Make it very clear what has been done that is wrong or inappropriate, and try to explain why. Punishment is a part of life, as adults are punished for breaking the law by being fined, jailed, etc. Some do not believe in punishment, as it is not a positive form of discipline. These methods are, however, better than spanking. Consequences are an even better option, and they are very effective--even for toddlers.

Consequences help a child learn right from wrong in a very realistic way. Make the consequences of her actions known to her in advance. If she begins throwing her food, tell her that she will lose her food if she does not stop. Then, follow through. Take the meal for a few minutes, and keep offering it to her until she stops throwing her food. If he is throwing sand, tell him that he won't be able to play in the sandbox if he keeps it up. Let him go back in only when he will refrain from throwing sand. These are realistic, because in the real world, if you were endangering others or throwing food, you'd be asked to leave. Even better are the consequences that naturally follow a child's actions. If your child refuses to tie his shoe, the consequence may be that he trips and skins his knee. If he refuses to eat his meal, the consequence is that he will go to bed hungry. He will learn a much better lesson from these real consequences than from artificial ones created by you.

Many gentle parents will tell you not to underestimate the power of humor. As I mentioned before, there are many alternatives to a mini-lecture or firm scolding. You have to use discretion when deciding whether to be serious or silly. You can tell your child that something is wrong and convey that message in a number of ways. Humor works not only on young children but older children as well. You can use humorous punishments such as tickling. There are also humorous ways of scolding your child. Instead of snapping "Don't say that!" when a dirty word is uttered, respond as a child would. Go "Ooooo, Jamie said a naughty word. That's not a good word to say, Jamie." Injecting humor into a situation can really make a difference in everyone's mood. Make light of the situation while still making your point. Not everything has to be a big deal!

Tantrums can be very challenging. Many parents are most tempted to spank during temper tantrums. There are much better ways of handling them. Do not spank or yell at your child; this will just make the situation worse. Moreover, do not ignore your child. Children need attention; it's not a want for young children, but a very real need. You should not always give your child what they want, but you should give them what they need. If your child needs attention, give her a hug. Say "I love you." Play with her; tickle her. The tantrum will stop, and isn't that the goal? If your child is hungry or thirsty, provide a snack or drink. If she's tired or sick, lay her down for a nap or give her medication. If she's simply bored, find a way to entertain her. Most of the time, children are more irritable when their needs aren't being met. Many temper tantrums can be stopped in their tracks by tending to the child's needs. This is also a great way of preventing temper tantrums altogether.

Listening and understanding can also help stop a temper tantrum. Many times children tantrum over frustration, because they are trying to tell you something or do something but can't. Try to figure out what it is they want, and if its reasonable, give it to them. If they are trying to do something, help them or show them how to do it. When all else fails, give some love; compassion is a great disciplinary tool. If they are tantrumming over something they want but cannot have, let them know you understand and hear them. Try saying "I know: you want it, you want it, you want it!" Be firm in your decision, though. Be understanding. Offer a hug and say, "I know you want that, but you cannot have it. That's not fun, is it?" Try distracting them with an object or snack, or removing them from the environment. Comfort her by nursing, or tickle him to make him laugh and smile. Crack a joke. You can practice "tough love" while still showing compassion.

Sometimes, you try these things over and over again, and the behavior keeps happening. Take heart. Children often need to be told repeatedly, disciplined repeatedly, before they will learn and really get the message. They forget things easily, and they can't always control their impulse. This is especially true of young children. When it seems like the only option left is to spank, try something else one more time. If you start to feel angry or tempted, do something to calm yourself. Give your child a hug. Say "I love you" and just leave it at that. Leave the room. Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Call a friend to vent. Put your child in the car, and get out of the house with him or her. There are many ways to prevent yourself from spanking. It is always worth it to try gentle discipline one more time or even ten more times before resorting to spanking. Children "get" things at different ages, and your child may just take a while to learn. Do something fun; make light of the situation. Give gentle discipline one more chance before you raise your hand to strike.