Gently Parenting Children

Parents of young children know how hard it can be to help their children behave in appropriate ways. Children are not yet able to self-regulate their actions, often reacting on first impulse to their situation and how they feel. Tantrums, fights, and arguing are often just a child's way of expressing their emotions. With patience and understanding parents can help guide their children towards better behavior and do so in a way that lead to empathy and compassion rather than shame and guilt.

Older infants and toddlers are often the ones that act out the most. At such a young age they are unable to understand consequences or to rationalize before acting. Yet many parents begin disciplining their children at this age, too often through unhealthy techniques such as spanking or verbally shaming the child. For young toddlers, however, neither of these actually helps the child to understand what they did that was wrong or why it was wrong. Often what these types of parental reactions do is plant seeds of distrust and give the child a desire to hide their actions from their parents. For infants and toddlers misdirection and positive examples are often the best ways to deal with negative behavior. When you can, distract you child from the object or person that is causing the disruption. Pull out a new toy, a book, ask them to help you in another room, or announce a spontaneous trip to the park. Young children have short memories and can be easily distracted by new things. If you cannot distract your toddler showing a positive example can also be effective. Gently show and explain they way you want you young child to act. This can take several times before fully sinking in, but with patience and understanding your child's inability to act in a different way without guidance you can help lead you toddler towards a more appropriate way of acting.

For older children there is more that you can do to help them understand how to express their feelings and act in appropriate ways. Explaining the natural consequences of their actions is one thing that you can easily do and will leave a last impression on children. Too often an action is explained as being wrong simply because the parents say it is wrong. This fails children in two important ways, first it fails to help them understand why something is considered wrong thus missing a chance to learn from the experience, and secondly it creates a rift between the parent and child where the child feels less respect towards their parents. Using natural consequences changes a negative situation into a teaching moment where the child can gain a greater understanding of how their actions can affect others. When they understand why something is wrong they are more likely not to want to repeat their actions in the future. Of course providing alternatives is just as effective for older children as it is for younger. On top of explaining why their action or outburst is wrong you should also gently show them better ways to express themselves. Knowing the wrong way to react does not help if the child does not also know the right way to react. Use positive examples and calmly explain other ways your child can safely express himself and act out any frustrations.

No matte if your child is young or old one important thing to remember is not to shame your child for their actions. Children are not mini-adults and cannot control themselves the same way that adults can. Making a child feel guilty or ashamed for age appropriate actions does little to correct the actions, and may only push your child away by damaging their trust. Though things such as tantrums, fights, and disobedience can be very aggravating for the parents, responding calmly and with understanding of how your child may be feeling is far more helpful in guiding a child towards more acceptable behavior.

Though it can be difficult parenting young children and dealing with their sometimes negative behavior, gently guiding them towards better behavior is certainly rewarding in the end. Remembering to stay calm, to provide positive examples and positive feedback, and to be understanding of your child's frustrations will help you smooth through the rough spots of parenting.