George Bush on Myspace

Beloved Members of the Coolest Nation in the World (No, not Denmark, America silly!),

If you enjoy watching attractive people on television, then I'm certain you watched my speech the other night.

The liberal spin has been that I have admitted to making mistakes throughout the occupation phase, that the so-called failure to gain so-called control of the so-called Iraqi region is solely my fault. While I do take some responsibility (for example: looking back, I should have insisted on more shock and less awe), the fault truly lies with someone else.

Basically, any failures in the war on terror are all the fault of Myspace.

That's right, Myspace. I hope you can sleep at night, Tom!

You see, about a year ago everything was going fine in my presidency. Sure there were problems, but I was very focused on solving the many problems our nation faced, at home and a broad. But then one day, when I was hanging out in Karl Rove's office, he motioned to his computer screen and said, "Hey have you seen this before?"

"Yeah," I replied. "It's a computer. I hear they're very useful."

"No," he said. "This website. It's called Myspace."

"What about it?" I asked, innocently. He proceeded to tell me about how it's a place for friends, but I didn't really pay attention. I was too distracted by one of the website's advertisements. It was a little animated version of me and I was fighting Mike Tyson. And I was getting' beat up! But the ad said that if I clicked a button fast enough, I'd be able to win. So, I spent about ten minutes clicking the button a bunch of times, and then some pop-ups crashed Karl's computer and he politely kicked me out of his office.

So then, I was hanging out with Condi. I started using her computer to find my George W. Bush Myspace ads. There was a cool one where I got to fight Osama Bin Laden. It was pretty exciting. "Hey, Condi, isn't this cool. Do you think I get paid some kind of royalty for this stuff?"

"Mr. President," Condi's exquisite, angelic voice resounded through the air. "Don't you have your own computer?"

"Yeah, but it's a bit overwhelmed with some highly secret tasks."

"Are you downloading something from Limewire again?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, that information is classified." And then she left with what might have been a sigh of unrequited love, or maybe just a grunt of annoyance, it's hard for me to read women sometimes.

Anywhoo, when I was on Myspace, I realized there was more to do than just click those stupid cartoon advertisements. That's when I started reading other people's profiles... And eventually I started reading blogs. I got to meet very smart, well-educated folks like Jeremy the Conservative. I also ran into some kind but misguided folks like "Cree is a Political Junkie." That's when I realized that I had to use this powerful tool to reach out and help people find the right path in life... you know, the conservative path!

So, that's when I started the blog you are reading right now. The only problem is, I've been spending so much time hanging out on Myspace, I have to say that it has sometimes distracted me from my Presidential Duties. Here are some of the addictive / time-wasting elements of Myspace. If we can change these, then I can get back to work and make our nation a better place!

#1) No more distracting advertisements!

Those George W. Bush flash cartoons are no longer in style. However, I have of late been very diverted by those "Tru" dating website ads. You know the ones I'm talking about??? The females seem like they have a very intriguing personality, and I'd like to find out their opinions regarding social issues, however, whenever I try to contact them through the dating service website, I can never find the girl in the photo. It's like they just hired a model to lure you to their website, and then the actual members are chunky, divorced BBWs with a fetish for whips and leather. That might be fine for Kim Jong Il, but not for this all-American cowboy. (And by the way, I was just interested in chatting people to talk about the Republican Party. I'm a happily married man... now that Elmo's out of the picture!)

#2) OPB: Other People's Blogs

Whether its patriot yet cynical views of Roving Wolverine or the sensitive insights of ex-smoking wannabe Amabellina, I love to browse through the lives of others. It's like sneaking into a stranger's dorm and reading his/her diary. And since the Yale Police department isn't around to bust me, I'm free to read 'em all night long! But for my own benefit, and for the benefit of all others who are addicted to this voyeuristic reading activity, I think that Myspace should put a limit on how many blog entries a person reads per day. I'm certain America's workload is now fledgling because we all sit at the office reading about how some stranger in Northern Michagan had to put her cancerous cat to sleep. (Sorry FoxxyMildred! Your cat, Pickles, will forever be missed!)

C) The Ranking System

I guess this isn't so much a problem anymore, because frankly, I've stopped caring. But it seems famous, powerful people like myself should be on top of the charts on the Myspace Ranking system. However, I'm not even ranked anymore. I think some liberal programmer kicked me off the system or something.

Some days, after having a big long meeting about the atrocities of Darfur, I lie in bed at night and wonder, "How can there be such injustice in the world? How can people like Glines and Zara have a top ten blog, while mine is virtually ignored?" These tings keep me up at night, and the rest of the nation ends up suffering because of it.

Note: There is one fine #1 ranking blog that desired its spot. And that's the fine women of Suicide Girls. I always admire there insightful and inspiring blog entries.

#4) Myspace Messages from Random Americans

This is another big distraction. I should be focusing on winning the war in Iraq, on getting those miscreants out of Baghdad and our troops back home-or at least moved on to our next order of business (We're still trying to decide between Syria and Iran, perhaps tonight I'll flip a coin). Instead of focusing on the job at hand, I find myself answering some rather repetitive emails, usually from belligerent 16 year olds. Here are a few samples:

"Hi there, are you really the presadent????"

"u suk, r u relly the prez?"

"iz this really u?"

I tell each one of them, of course I am the president. And then I send them a textbook on learn proper spelling and grammar. Looks like I have to step "No Child Left Behind" up another notch.

#5) And the rest...

Myspace has a bunch of other distracting material: Music, movies, and so forth. More and more of it seems like it's just a bunch of tricky advertisements instead of legitimate Myspace pages. For example, I added myself to John Tucker's friend list (You know, the guy in John Tucker Must Die, a movie that I'm sure will soon be nominated for several Academy Awards), but he rarely posts nowadays, and he's never replied to a single blog comment. And the same goes to that same snot-nosed star of Scrubs.

Finally, one of the things I hate most about Myspace is that there are too many blog posts complaining about Myspace. Get a life, people!

Yours truly,

George W. Bush