George Carlin Quotes and Jokes

George Carlin, one of the dirty comedy innovators has left us, but his comedy will always live on. Here are a few of George Carlin's best comedy jokes, one-liners, and quotes.

"One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you."

"Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

George Carlin, never one to shy from political incorrectness, humored millions for decades with his opinion about current politics.

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

Even George Carlin went 'Green'. Here are some of George Carlin's best environmental comedies.

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"The planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE! Pack your sh**, folks. We're goin' away."

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."

Neither women nor men were safe under the comedic eye of Carlin, here are some of George Carline best gender lines.

"Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...
give me your hand...
It won't be long now..."

"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?"

George Carlin was a proud atheist who incorporated religion into his humor. Offending many Christians, George never backed down from his convictions and comedic understanding of God. Whether you agree with his beliefs, you still cant help but laugh at his approach.

"I finally accepted Jesus --- not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from"

"I have as much authority as the Pope; I just don't have as many people who believe it."

In the end, as in the beginning of his career, George Carlin, the man who put it all out in front of the American public to love or despise, was true to himself...

"I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a God and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas."
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."