George W. Bush to Become Waco County Dog Catcher

George W. Bush admitted in a recent interview with ABC World News' Charlie Gibson that he had no real plans following his second term as President of the United States. That was the public George W. Bush speaking. The private plans of the outgoing President are well-known around Crawford, Texas, where Bush will be taking over the position of Waco County Dog Catcher.

It has long been known around Crawford that Bush prefers the simple life. During his first term in office, Bush spent considerable time back home at his ranch clearing brush. However he was frequently harassed by a pack of roaming wild dogs, forcing him to take refuge in a security van while Secret Service agents took potshots at the dogs with AK-47s.

The experience made a big impression on W, who vowed to local residents that when finished as President, he would come home to rid Waco County of its feral dog problem. "These dogs are a lot like the terrorists I'm used to fightin'," Bush told the Waco Tribune. "But they can't hide from me. I know how to smoke out terrorists and I will smoke out the wild dogs, too."

Bush has even given a nickname to one of the most notorious dogs, a large black mongrel that has bitten several children near Ocee, a small town east of Crawford. "I call him Osama bin Labrador," Bush chuckled. "And he's going down once I'm Head Dog Catcher."

Asked why he did not mention his post-Presidency plans to Charlie Gibson, Bush turned serious, pursing his lips and squinting in the same style he has used over the years to threaten other world leaders like Kim Jon Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Vladimir Putin. "My plans are secret. They're always secret. Secrecy is good. Good is secrecy. Secrecy is sacroscant. I'm plannin' to be the head secreter even after I leave office."

Recent Waco County immigrant Alan Greenspan had this to say about Bush's plans to become Waco County Dog Catcher. "Crawford is a good place to retire after you've been leader of the free world, or for that matter, Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Down here you really don't hear the news that often unless you pick up the Waco Tribune. The radio stations all play religious broadcasting. They're all predicting the end of the world. From what I hear from the neighbors, it's all coming true. According to them, Obama really is the anti-Christ. It is nice to know I've had a hand in bringing all this about, which is ironic with my Jewish background. It's just too bad we never got around to making everyone install chips in their arms to do their banking and we kind of missed out on that One World Government thing. Ah well, you can't do everything you want to do. Good Old George can come down here and savor his role in bringing about Armageddon. And he can kill a few un-Christian dogs at the same time. It should be a very happy retirement for George. Oh yeah, I'd also like to say I'm sorry to America for that whole de-regulation thing. What was I thinking?"