German Window Neurosis

All Germans I know have an issue with windows. And the issue is whether or not the window should be open or closed. It's more than an issue, really. It's actually one of those obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) kind of things. Only in this case I guess you would call it an open-close disorder. To avoid confusion, however, I think I'll just call it GWN instead, for German Window Neurosis. Let me explain.

As I said, as far as I can tell, all Germans suffer from German Window Neurosis. It makes no difference how old they are or where they were born or what their social background might be or how high or low their level of intelligence or education is or what their political affiliations are or whether they go to church on Sunday or any other day of the week or not. They all have it. It's a done deal. And they all have it from birth. It's been genetically determined. There is nothing they or anybody else can do about it. And strangely, not one of them is even aware of the fact that he or she is suffering from it. They don't even know what it is. They don't even see it for what it is. They can't. It's kind of spooky, really. Let me explain some more.

There are two manifestations or stages of GWN, one as obsessive and compulsive as the other: I call them GWN1 and GWN2. They also complement one another perfectly, the victim's body altering between these two GWN states in regular cycles of helpless dependency throughout the course of any and every waking day.

The most common symptom of GWN1 is an utterance like: "Fenster zu, es zieht!" Roughly translated, this means "Shut the window, its drafty!" THAT IT IS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT DRAFTY makes absolutely no difference to the poor souls afflicted with this disorder. They are convinced of the contrary and will not rest until the said window is firmly closed.

Within minutes, however, the cycle has reached the GWN2 stage and the victim's agitation returns renewed, and with a vengeance. It is at this point that one ususally hears things like "Mach das Fenster auf, da ist eine Luft hier drin (open the window, the air is awful here)!" or "Es riecht hier wie im Raubtierkäfig (it smells like the cat house at the zoo here)!" Needless to say, THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH THE AIR IN THE ROOM IN QUESTION, yet the window will invariably get ripped wide open once again, this leading back to the next GWN1 stage, of course, and the next round begins again. This goes and will go on ad infinitum, till doomsday, till the end of time, till death do us part, till the cows come home.

German Window Neurosis is incurable. And this terrible scourge to Germankind is truly endless, I can't stress this enough, and will eventually lead, should the Germans in question live long enough, to death. It is noncommunicable, however. Or at least that's what I've been told. But wait a minute. Brrr. Come to think of it... Hey! Who the hell opened that damned window over there?

Fortsetzung folgt (to be continued).

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Originally from California's Central San Joaquin Valley and washed ashore on the coast of old West Berlin, Charles Larson is a freelance writer well versed in German and German culture. For more info, feel free to visit his website at EnglishPro & Co.