Get Off My Mound!

Those words were uttered by Dallas Braden, of the Oakland A's, a couple of weeks ago. The reason for Dallas' tirade was that Alex Rodriguez had crossed over the pitcher's mound when returning to first, after a foul ball. Of course, one of the more obscure unwritten rules in baseball is that the pitcher's mound is just that. The pitcher's. Personally, I don't expect someone as self-centered as A-Rod to even consider anyone's feelings but his own, so it was no surprise to me when this happened. Rodriguez is known throughout the league as a "me" guy. And that incident only strengthened that belief. At least where I'm concerned.

But this little rant isn't about A-Rod, or Braden, or anything else that goes on down on the field, for that matter. No, this is about what happens in the area that surrounds the field. In simpler terms, this is about what takes place in the stands, before, during, and after the game. And although this piece is directed at baseball, it could apply to any sport.

So let's take a look at some of the unwritten rules of the sports fan. At least ones that apply to those attending a game. Here's a list of things you really should not do at a ball game.

Patience is a virtue

So you've picked up that giant order of nachos, four beers, three hot dogs, a lemon chill, and a bag of cotton candy. And the wifey, your next door neighbor and his wife, and your two kids (under the age of eight) are waiting for you to bring them their goodies. So what do you do? You wait, that's what. As you exit the tunnel to the seating bowl, do everyone who's sitting around you a favor. Take the time to see what's going on in the game. Because I'll tell you right now, if the home team is in the middle of a rally and their best hitter is up, those people around you will be none too happy when you come sauntering down the aisle and stand there, while you distribute the aforementioned food items to your crew. And inevitably your significant other or the kids will also get up to try and assist you. It's not nice to make others stand up to see what's going on, just because your little heathens couldn't wait an extra five minutes for their ice cream sundae in a helmet cup.

Pardon me, excuse me

Again? Just how many times do you have to get up and take junior to the restroom? You do realize these seats aren't necessarily designed for someone my size, correct? We can't all be 5'9" there, chief. Unless you are sitting in aisle seats, getting up fifteen times during a three hour ball game is completely ridiculous. There is no reason for it, period. If your kid is that bored, he, or she, doesn't need to be at a ball game. You may have loved it when your dad took you, but it's obvious the Tyler and Shandie just ain't baseball fans. Next time, you might consider hiring someone to watch the tikes, so they can sit at home and play X-Box. Trust me, everyone involved will be much happier for it.

Shut up, asshole!

Look Sparky, unless your name is Osama, you need to tape that pie hole of yours shut when the National Anthem is playing. You cannot give me one good reason for you to be talking to your buddy, date, or whoever else you've brought with you. Little Jimmy can see the flags just fine. I have friends and relatives that put themselves in harm's way for my freedom. And the least you and I can do is take off the minute and a half that it takes to finish the song. If I weren't standing there at attention, with my cap over my heart, I'd smack you with the souvenir bat your kid is waving around.

Hi mom!

The next time you wave at the camera, while talking to friends on your cellphone, I'm going to grab it and drop it in my beer. Are you that narcissistic? Nobody cares! It's bad enough when you're watching the game on TV and you see people doing it right behind home plate. Nice move, big guy. It ever occur to you that waving and jumping up and down might be a little distracting to our pitcher, who's trying to protect a one run lead late in the game? Probably not. But sitting behind someone like this is just torture. The word oblivious comes to mind. My absolute favorites are those who actually get out of their seats and walk down to the bottom of the aisle, so they can show all their friends just what a loser they are. Anyone who is guilty of this should be ejected from the ballpark. Immediately.

Let's go, Timmy

"We've got to beat the traffic."

Seriously? You spent your hard earned money to go see a ball game, you bitch all the time about high ticket and concession prices, but you're going to leave in the top of the eighth inning? Yup. Makes total sense to me. If I were an dumbass. If you have a baby that won't be consoled, or a kid who had one too many dollar dogs, you get a pass. Those things happen and I fully understand. But if you just can't bring yourself to stay until the end, just so you can beat thirty or forty cars out of the lot, do us all a favor. Stop buying tickets. It will free them up for people like me. You know. The ones who actually stay to watch the game end. I do have to admit that every time I watch a ninth inning comeback, as I did recently, I get a small sense of satisfaction, knowing that the family in front of me, the guy and his high maintenance girlfriend sitting next to me, and the little league team sitting behind me will only be able to tell their families and friends, "Well, we did get to hear the end on the radio."

One, two, three!...

And finally, the worst of the worst. The next time anyone near me tries to start The Wave, I will personally get out of my seat, calmly walk down to where they are standing, and promptly throw them over the railing. Now, I'm telling you this for your own good, because many of you are guilty. Stop it. Just stop it. It's not cool. Do you realize The Wave was created over thirty years ago? Do you remember the Macarena? Or pet rocks? Or any other fad that has disappeared? You know why they disappeared? Because people finally realized the were dumb. That's why. More and more people now know this about the wave. But there are still those who refuse to admit that this stupid practice is not cool. And what's worse, they will try and get it going, no matter what. They will attempt it fifteen times, if that's what it takes, the rest of the crowd be damned. Usually it's someone who can't hold their beer like they thought they could, or it's a group a eleven year old girls, who have no clue about baseball, and are just at the game so they can walk around and giggle at the twelve year old boys. And of course, this crowd participation stunt usually happens when the home team is at bat. Which is the time when an actual fan is trying to pay attention to what's going on down on the field. I have made a vow to make my voice heard anytime one of these idiotic so called "fans" stands up and tries to start this thing. I do think one of the most beautiful sights is when someone keeps busting their butt, trying to get it going, and it dies out three sections into it. Makes my heart feel good.

So there you have it. Just as ball players have unwritten rules to follow, we as fans do, too. Just as Dallas Braden called out Alex Rodriguez, when he ignored said rules, from now on, if you break the unwritten fan rules when I'm around, I will scream at you until you get it. Fair warning.