Getting Along: 10 Steps to Building a Relationship with the In-laws

Let's get real! When you get married, you're not only marrying your spouse but you're marrying his/her parents as well. These parents are commonly referred to as the dreaded in-laws that you may so greatly hate. There are the kind, supportive, respectful in-laws. There are the in-laws who will not stop calling your new home until you change your phone number. Then there are the in-laws who you may feel have set their life mission to making your life hell! Suck it up! They are here to stay as long as the spouse you vowed to spend the rest of your life with is around!

"Can't we all just get along?" Well, isn't that so much easier said than done? Allow to me to possibly assist in alleviating the stress and tension between you and your beloved in-laws and maybe we all "can just get along".

1. Step one! Realize your in-laws are not your parents and never will be your parents. Therefore, there will not be disciplinary steps taken to punish you if you disappoint or upset your in-laws. There are no set rules. However, make an attempt to compromise on trivial differences and always attempt to negotiate on the more important ones.

2. Realize and accept what your mother told you when you were ten; you cannot change somebody nor will you ever be able to! Though you may wish your in-laws were the type who grovel at your feet and worship the ground you walk on, you will not be able to fulfill this wish. It's simply wishful thinking. However, you can always try to build a better, lasting relationship with your in-laws by acknowledging your position in conflicts.

3. Instead of viewing your in-laws as the epitome of evil, think of your in-laws as a more positive expansion to your support network! Now you have two more people to turn to when having problems. However, I wouldn't suggest turning to them with too personal of problems as they may begin to question your sanity and second guess their approval of you being wed to their daughter/son. Give social events a chance! Find activities that you and your in-laws can both enjoy!

4. A crucial step to getting along with your in-laws is to create a barrier between the relationship with your spouse and the in-laws. Not adhering to this rule could prove to be detrimental to both your relationship with your spouse as well as the relationship with your in-laws. However, by acknowledging that you are not technically married to your in-laws, a nurturing family environment will be created which will ultimately limit future conflicts within your marriage.

5. If you are joining in on the millions of married couples who expect conflict with the in-laws, communicate with your spouse about the apprehensions you're feeling! However, definitely avoid making your spouse the "middle-man" who is responsible for solving the conflicts between you and your in-laws. If the conflict is between you and the in-laws, do not drag the wife/husband into this! Once again, I stress this! LIMIT THE INVOLVEMENT OF THE SPOUSE AND THE CONFLICT(S) WITH THE INLAWS! The involvement will not prove to worth it and will only create more conflict. Instead, seek your spouse's opinion and leave it at that.

6. The in-laws will love it if you show a sign of responsibility and formality! Host a formal event with the goal of getting to meet the in-laws in mind. Make your own food, however! Do not order food from the nearest restaurant and pass it off as your own! This is a definite no-no in the handbook of making the marriage to your in-laws function pleasantly!

7. An important lesson in not just your relationship with your in-laws, but in any and all relationships, is to keep things in perspective! If you sense a clash coming on with your mother-in-law or father-in-law coming to the surface, rationalize the situation before jumping to conclusions. Failure to do so may only escalate the situation and ultimately assist in the detioration of the relationship between yourself and the in-laws.

8. Both you and your in-laws need to gain a mutual understanding and acceptance of each other. It is impossible for your in-laws to let their guard down before knowing who you really are. This process definitely takes an amount of time, however. You're on the right path to a strong friendship if you are able to successfully fulfill this task!

9. Who really wants to live with their in-laws? The answer? NOBODY! Don't live with your in-laws unless you feel there is no other option. The phrase, "distance makes the heart grow fonder" holds true! However, if you absolutely need to resort to living with the in-laws, make sure the lines of communication are open! Have a talk with your in-laws specifying your dislikes, likes, and personal limitations. This heart-to-heart will prove to be very helpful!

10. Most importantly, be respectful! Though it may eventually dent your checking account, pay for your in-laws when out in public or even in private. However, do not pay because you feel you are forced to. If you feel this way, force a smile on that lovely face of yours and pay and say you enjoy it! Your in-laws will sincerely appreciate this gesture.

The stigma placed on in-laws can be easily rebutted. Follow the ten listed steps with a smile on your face and you will be more likely to put a smile on the face of your in-laws!