Getting Away with Speeding!

Speed limits are for sissies! We prefer to think of them as guidelines, really-for the rest of the people on the road. The trouble is police officers don't typically feel the same way. If you're a speed demon, like me, you know what a nuisance those pesky police officers can be-not to mention costly. Before you get your license pulled forever, take some time to memorize these simple guidelines to keep you out of the radar and out of trouble:

The Space Cushion

Not everyone knows how to drive like you do! The trick is to have patience with the "Sunday drivers," at least until you can get around them. Tailgating a slow-rider draws attention to you-and not the kind of attention you enjoy. From the perspective of everyone around you, even other speeders, you just look like a jerk. Police officers love to pull over jerks. Slow down, it will only take a few seconds for some space to open up so you can pass. Use your turn signals and don't cut people off.

Traffic

Let's face it- you're not going anywhere anytime soon. You know there's nothing more irritating than speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down. Gunning it so you can progress 5 yards is a waste of your engine's valuable power. And a speeding ticket for going 5 over is a waste of your valuable time. Resist the urge to use the median for two reasons: 1. There's always ice or gravel on the median that'll get you into an accident (believe me, I know.) 2. No one will let you back in again because you're a jerk. Traffic is neither the time nor place for speeding. Save it for when you've got an open stretch of road. Weaving, however, is perfectly acceptable and will get you to your destination sooner. Unless there's a cop directly behind you, heavy traffic makes for an excellent camouflage while weaving and cutting other drivers off. How many fingers can you score?

The Buddy System

You've heard of it, but the odds are you're doing it all wrong. The Buddy System is NOT matching the speed of a driver a few car-links ahead of you. When the two of you get clocked, you'll be the one who gets pulled over, while your 'buddy' escapes. Take a minute to study the other speeder. Does he have a radar detector perched on his dash? If this is the case, he's your new best friend. Is he driving a Hummer that's twice your size? Drive along in his blind spot-the radar always hits the larger vehicle, and statistics show that Hummer drivers get more tickets than anyone else on the road. In any other situation, you have to leave plenty of room between you and the other driver. A police officer should be able to clock him and take off after him before you enter the scene. Incorrect use of the Buddy System will get you the ticket every time-and that kind of defeats the purpose.

Speed Traps

Some of these are obvious, but I see amateur speeders jump right into them every time. When you're coming around a sharp turn, going under a dark bridge or in any other situation where you couldn't possibly see whose lurking in your blind spots, there's probably a cop just waiting for you patiently. They set up shop in these locations and rarely have to leave over the course of an entire day to meet their quota. Are all the drivers ahead of you suddenly hitting their brakes? Exactly. Hit your brakes beforehand so you're not obviously speeding when you come around that bend.

Other places cops hang out: (if you're unaware of these, you've got no business driving.) School zones, streets that turn into neighborhoods, frontage roads, the mall, a construction zone (especially when there's a sign that says "fines doubled for speeding,") coffee and doughnut shops, any place teenagers frequent... Take care with where you speed. Ask yourself, "If I were a cop, where would I go to collect speeders?"

A Busy Cop

Why do people slow down when there's a cop on the side of the road with another driver pulled over? This is an opportunity! The officer is way too busy writing a ticket to pay you any attention. And the odds are in your favor he's the only cop on the road for at least another five miles. Enjoy the smooth sailing!

Worst Case Scenario

So you ignored all my advice and sped through a construction zone surrounded by neighborhoods and preschools and doughnut shops on all sides. You've been pulled over. It's looking pretty bad- after all, you were going 30 over the speed limit and you cut off a school bus. How do you get out of this mess... or at the very least, shorten the sentence? Check your sex and read below:

Female: When the police man taps on the window, roll it down slowly and gaze up into his face looking out from underneath your (hopefully mascara laden) lashes. When he asks you what your hurry is, look absolutely stunned. "I was speeding??" Act frightened, like you've never been pulled over in your life. If you can cry a little, it'll help. When he asks you for your license and registration, remove ALL the contents of your glove compartment and set it in your lap. Fish through it 30 times with trembling hands. Shyly hand over your driver's license. Apologize 150 times-letting your hands flutter to your (hopefully ample) bosom. If he doesn't show any sign of an erection, compliment him on his super fast police car. If the officer pulling you over is female... you're screwed.

Male: Roll down your window casually and ask him how fast you were going. When he tells you, raise your eyebrows like wow. When he asks you what your hurry is, be honest. Policemen love honesty. They can tell when you're feeding them a steaming pile of b.s. Automatically assume that the officer who pulled you over knows everything there is to know about hot rods. Ask him about the engine under his hood. If he's got a motorcycle, ask him what kind. When you've finished talking cars, commence talking sports. If a woman pulls you over, your first instinct may be to flirt with her. Don't do it. Every man flirts with her and she knows you're just trying to get out of a ticket. Instead, treat her with dignity and respect. Nod your head and call her "ma'am." If she feels like you respect her as a woman of authority, she may just let you off with a warning and a phone number.